By Meg Smolinski

I went to see the new Sex and the City movie because I’ve watched the show for years (not that I can afford premium cable—thank goodness for DVD’s). Without giving any of the movie away, all the while I was watching it, I couldn’t help but think about the portrayal of singleness and married life in that fictional world. Debate has arisen over just how feminist or anti-feminist the show is and while that is not the topic of this article, it did lead me to this question: where can we look globally for a leader in non-married life?

THE U.S. IS CLEARLY NOT THE LEADER AT THIS TIME. The federal government refuses to recognize same-sex marriages (at the time of writing, only Massachusetts and California recognize it on a state level) forcing couples into an alternative to marriage. In addition, those of us who choose not to marry are seen as “the others” while our friends and family live in a perpetual state of waiting for the day we announce an engagement that we don’t feel is necessary.

The answer lies to the northeast and across an ocean. In the northern countries of the European Union, alternatives to marriage are far more commonplace than in the United States. Specifically, in Sweden, over the past decade, more and more people are not marrying and instead, cohabitating. Already known for its respectful attitude for a person’s choice of life, 54% of all children born in Sweden are born outside of marriage¹, the number of non-married households continues to increase over the years.

This differs from the southern and eastern countries of the EU, where the divorce rate is much less, probably due, among other factors, to the strong influence of organized religion in the south, as well as governments who encouraged the “traditional” family and discouraged women working outside of the home. Only about 60% of Swedish women will ever marry. Also, more marriages in Sweden are dissolving, with the divorce rate at 55%, just a little higher than the US’s rate, which hovers around 50%. However, the 55% doesn’t factor in those couples who never marry, but cohabitate and have children. If you include those break-ups as divorces as well, the rate is even higher. Therefore, statistically, Swedes divorce more, marry less, and have more children out of wedlock than any other industrialized Western nation.²

David Popenoe’s recent report Cohabitation, Marriage and Child Wellbeing: A Cross-National Perspective [reviewed elsewhere in this newsletter] asserts that cohabitation has a negative effect on childrearing. Yet he cites that in 2005, nearly 30% of Swedish people cohabitated, while the same number for the US was a measly 8%. What is really worthy of note is that Sweden passed us in the percentage of cohabitation sometime between 1969 and 1975 – in 1969, the Swedish percentage was 7% and increased to 11% in 1975, thirty years before the US represented with 8%. Moreover, 90% of Swedish people lived together before marrying.

SPEAKING FROM A WOMAN'S PERSPECTIVE, the basic fact is that in industrialized nations such as Sweden and the United States, more and more women are making their own money. This means fewer feel the financial need, consciously or subconsciously, to attach themselves to a man in order to have stability, a decent retirement, a home, etc. Women stay in school longer, earn advanced degrees, begin their careers at a later point in their lives, and marry later than a generation ago. In Sweden, this is especially true as the society is a high-tax, high-welfare state, providing the stability that once required marriage to obtain. This should not lead you to believe that women and men are in the same position, economically. Men still earn more than women by far, with mostly women (three out of four) making up the part-time work force.

But, how would this account for so many people in Sweden forgoing marriage altogether? The very value that makes us so proud to be Americans – individuality. Sarah Tarnowski opines that the importance of the individual leads to a sort of disposable mentality, according to which things aren’t meant to last forever, and if something doesn’t fit right, you have the right to remove it from your life.³ She cites research analysts and authors Dr. Mats Lindgren, Bernhard Lüthi and Thomas Fürth stating 75% of young Scandinavians find that “having many options” and “feeling free” are vital to happiness. Having an alternative to “till death do us part” would fit into those sentiments handily. Further, this desire for change is seen as something more than just tossing a spouse in the trash. Rather it’s seen as renewal: renewal of one’s self, the beginning of a new and different phase.

While the above does show that Sweden is a leader at the national level when it comes to cohabitation, improvements can be made, as the Swedish law still leans towards the mother of any child in a cohabitation situation. From the Cohabitees Act of 2003, “Contrary to what applies to children born in marriage, paternity must be established by special order for a child whose parents are not married. This also applies to unmarried parents who cohabit. Only the mother of a child of unmarried parents is granted custody. However, the parents may obtain joint custody by jointly applying to the tax authority or the social services committee in connection with confirmation of paternity, and registering the child. Also, it is not possible for an unmarried cohabiting couple to jointly adopt a child."⁴

STILL, SWEDEN NOT ONLY ADDRESSES THESE ISSUES on a national level, but the sentiments of their culture vastly lean towards the right of the individual to choose a lifestyle befitting him- or herself. This remains something we can strive for on the other side of the pond.

Meg Smolinski is an executive assistant who lives and works in Washington, DC. She resides with her partner and mouse (a pet, not a pest).

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Note 1: Eurostat Yearbook 1999

Notes 2 & 3: The Local, Sweden’s New in English

Note 4: Cohabitees Act of 2003 Fact Sheet