By Michele Hirsch

While AtMPers may be happy to see a proliferation of how-to books on unmarriage, not all guides are created equal. Upon receiving advance copies of two—The Laws of Love: A Legal Guide for Couples and Happily! Un-married: The Ultimate Couple’s Guide to Living Together & Loving It!—I was excited to dig in. But cover aside, it seems one can’t judge a book by its title, either: whereas the former is actually an all-encompassing guide that speaks to many aspects of family diversity, the latter focuses mostly on man and soon-to-be wife.

While a preface to Happily! Un-married—an overly exclamatory, somewhat cheesy text that presents itself as a “business model” for couples—conveys an intent not to judge and to accommodate those who simply don’t wish to marry, other sections indicate author John Curtis’s narrow perspective. A chart lumps “Relationship game players, Relationship evolutionists, Marriage-phobic resisters, Habitual cohabiters, and Anti-marriage advocates” into a category labeled “HIGH-RISK COHABITATING COUPLES!” while myths about cohabiters’ tendency toward unhappiness abound. The guide also offers no mention of same-sex relationships as even a remote possibility. And despite the supposed attempt to reflect on cohabitation in an open-minded manner, there is a clear thrust toward traditional heteronormative patterns that reinforce old-fashioned gender roles. Some key phrases and ideas might resonate with readers—for instance, one section titled “Gaining a partner, not losing yourself”—but overall the guide does not espouse the values of AtMP. If you’re looking to “brand” and “market” your traditional relationship, you’re in the right place. Otherwise, this text is likely not for you.

On the other hand, The Laws of Love doesn’t limit itself, but covers concerns for those “married or living together, gay or straight, with or without children”—with coverage of polyamory and transgender issues to boot. In this hefty guide of 684 pages, author and attorney Donna C. Kline dedicates plenty of space to the diverse scenarios that arise in different types of arrangements—all within an accessible legal framework. She provides practical charts, including one delineating the ever-confusing state rules on common law marriage and one comparing cohabitation to marriage with respect to such things as joint bank accounts, child custody, and property rights after separation. There is an interesting social history of love and relationships, as well as layperson-friendly synopses of relevant case law. Using these cases and historical examples, Kline demonstrates how societal views and laws on love have changed over the years—and will hopefully continue to progress. She also references AtMP several times throughout the book, which AtMPers will be proud to see.

Indeed, Kline’s guide encompasses a wide range of identities and scenarios such that most members will find the book not only applicable but legally helpful. Of course, it is nearly impossible for even a “fact-based” text to avoid opinion here and there—but luckily, unlike Happily! Un-married, The Laws of Love won’t make you bristle. If anything, Kline’s judgment comes down on the side of family diversity and the evolution of law toward embracing just that. While the otherwise helpful glossary does include a few legal terms that are not only antiquated, but offensive (i.e., “Bastard” and “Illegitimate Child”), it’s clear that Kline merely wishes to explain the law and provide ways to negotiate it. Overall, The Laws of Love proves a handy manual that succeeds in demystifying some of the more confusing aspects of law with respect to relationships. Like Curtis’s text, it includes a workbook section; but unlike the former, there are myriad other sections that render the workbook more of a bonus than the main course. Despite the difficulties of keeping one’s opinion at bay, Kline succeeds at informing without judgment—something all AtMPers can appreciate.

Michele Hirsch is a freelance writer who works for an NGO based in New York and volunteers regularly for AtMP.

This article appeared in AtMP's periodic newsletter, Update #2008-1.  Download the entire newsletter here.

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