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| Couples Therapy for Cohabitors: When, Why and How? |
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by Amy Wood The assignment seemed simple and straight-forward: esearch information from scholarly journals and books on couples therapy with cohabitating couples and present the information to the class in my master’s Marriage and Family Therapy program. Unfortunately, for the most part, I was unable to find applicable material. I found plenty of information and statistics on those who cohabitate, why they cohabitate, and how long the average cohabitation lasts, but little exists on which sector of the cohabitating population presents for therapy and what therapeutic issues prompt them to seek professional help. Despite the lack of clinical research on the cohabitating population, I feel there is a great need to explore this relationship dynamic. In 1970, only approximately 500,000 American couples cohabitated (Wartik, 2005). Today, nearly 5 million opposite-sex couples choose to live together as an alternative to marriage. Clearly, there exists an upward trend in our culture toward cohabitation. Today’s generation of young adults sees cohabitation as an acceptable and logical step to take before walking down the aisle or as an alternative to marriage altogether (Curtis, 2008). Furthermore, over 50 percent of young people believe living together prior to marriage will decrease their odds of marital problems and divorce later on (Stanley, 2005). Consequently, approximately 40 percent of cohabitating couples include children with 3.5 million children living in households comprised of two unmarried opposite-sex adults (Wartik, 2005). Seventy-five percent of children born to cohabitating parents will experience the termination of the parental relationship before they turn 16, as compared to one-third of children born to married parents (Curtis, 2008). Therefore, the need for understanding issues facing this population may reach beyond the partners themselves. Anecdotally, Dr. Pamela Clark, the director of the MFT program at Converse College, notes that one of the most common presenting therapeutic problems for cohabitating couples is parenting issues and/or arguments surrounding one of the partners’ children (Clark, per electronic communication, April 26, 2010). She cites a lack of research facing this population in regards to its children from previous relationships as the belief systems may vary from those of intact or even blended families where the parents marry.
Foremost, it is important to understand the cohabitating population. Through my research, I feel there exist four categories in the cohabitating population: (a) those who are engaged and/or plan to marry shortly after cohabitation begins; (b) those who are committed to the relationship but choose a less conventional approach than traditional marriage, (c) gay and lesbian couples who are legally unable to wed; and (d) those who are less committed and cohabitate for reasons such as convenience, finances, emancipation from parents, or to assuage loneliness. Working with the above beliefs, my first question in understanding couples therapy with the cohabitating population is, “Who presents for therapy?” Category A would come to therapy as would a married couple, and there exists a myriad of literature on this population. Some of the well documented models of therapy for married couples include emotionally focused therapy, integrative couples therapy, imago therapy, and cognitive-behavioral therapy. With 40 percent of cohabitants terminating the relationship within five years, my assumption is that Category D would not present for therapy (Smock, 2000; Curtis, 2008). This couple would choose the easy way out and simply dissolve the relationship. Another classmate was given the specific assignment to discuss gay and lesbian couples. Therefore, the focus of my research was category B: those who are committed but choose not to marry for various reasons. This sector of the cohabitating population would value the relationship enough to put forth the effort involved in therapy. The second question I would like to posture is “What are the therapeutic issues cohabitating couples bring to the counseling session?” Trying to answer this question via research is where I got frustrated. After reading Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller’s Unmarried To Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple, I decided to contact the Alternatives to Marriage Project website to ask for help. With the assistance of executive director Nicky Grist, I received e-mail responses from across the nation. The general consensus from academicians and clinical practitioners alike is that the issues facing cohabitating couples mirror those of married couples who present for therapy. For example, they may lack effective communication skills, present with attachment wounds, or speak a different love language from their partner. However, cohabitating couples may have additional issues that arise from differing commitment levels or when one partner feels diminished when he or she expresses the desire to marry and the other partner does not have similar intentions. In short, regardless of one’s personal or moral stance toward cohabitation, it is a trend our nation is following. Therefore, as a future Marriage and Family Therapist, I would like to send out the rally call for more research concerning this population. In order to work effectively with cohabitating couples, I think it is important to fully understand the choice to cohabitate and the therapeutic issues that compel these couples to seek therapy. References: Curtis, J. (2008). Happily un-married. Bandon, Oregon: Robert D. Reed Publishers. Smock, P. J. (2000). Cohabitation in the United States: An appraisal of research themes, findings, and implications. Annual Review of Sociology, 26, 1-20 Solot, D., & Miller, M. (2002). Unmarried to each other: The essential guide to living together as an unmarried couple. New York: Marlowe & Company. Stanley, S. M. (2005). The power of commitment: a guide to active, lifelong love. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Wartik, N. (2004). The perils of playing house. Psychology Today, 38(4), 42-52. Amy Wood is a stay-at-home mom and a graduate student in the Marriage and Family Therapy program at Converse College, Spartanburg, South Carolina. She lives in Greenville, South Carolina, with her husband William, children Jillian and Elliot, and two boxers Noel and Nadia. As a side note: despite traditional values, the author was a member of cohabitating couples Category A. Amy and William were engaged and living together for six months before taking their wedding vows. The couple will celebrate their twelfth wedding anniversary on May 23, 2010. |
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