Alternatives to Marriage Update:
January 2001

In this issue:
Around the Alternatives to Marriage Project
- Volunteers Opportunities For People Near and Far
- Book About Women and Divorce Available Through ATMP
- ATMP Visits College Sociology Classes
Book Buzz: Public Vows: A History of Marriage and the Nation
Heartfelt Thanks
Tidbits
Sizzling Statistics
News From the United States
News From Around the World
Domestic Partner News (U.S.)

In the Media

Several exciting articles about unmarried relationships appeared at the end of the year.

USA Today Features Founders Among "People To Watch in 2001"

A December 27th USA Today article featured Alternatives to Marriage Project (ATMP) founders Marshall Miller and Dorian Solot among "People to Watch" in the new year (http://www.usatoday.com/life/people03.htm). The article cites ATMP's work in response to the marriage movement with our message that society needs to support diverse kinds of relationships and families rather than focusing exclusively on marriage. Miller said, "My hope for 2001 is that our culture continues to change and to accept and celebrate family diversity." Welcome to the many people who learned about the Alternatives to Marriage Project as a result of the article!

American Demographics Advises Marketers to Notice Unmarrieds

A groundbreaking article in this magazine that reports "consumer trends to business leaders" begins, "A growing number of Americans today choose not to marry, yet they are far from 'single.' It's time that marketers acknowledge unmarried couples as consumers" (http://www.demographics.com/ ). Beginning with the story of Ruth Radetsky and Edward Hasbrouck, ATMP members who have been in an unmarried relationship for 19 years, the story also quotes Miller, Solot, and a variety of other experts. Miller observed that recognizing the existence of unmarried families would benefit both companies and unmarried people: "There are big differences between a single woman who's interested in a singles cruise and one who'd be more interested in a Disney vacation with her partner and three kids."

Florida Times Union Discusses Cohabitors Who Later Marry

An article in the Florida Times Union focused on cohabitors who plan to get married, a group that make up the majority of people who live with an unmarried partner. The article was accompanied by a sidebar by Solot and Miller with a list of things couples can do to increase the chances that their marriage after cohabitation will be successful. You can read it here. Radio Shows Discuss Unmarrieds

Minneapolis' Babs and the Boys and Baltimore's B102.7 Interactive recently discussed alternatives to marriage with guests Miller (on Babs and the Boys) and Solot (on B102.7 Interactive). Callers to both shows shared a wide variety of perspectives about marriage, cohabitation, and choosing not to marry.

Around the Alternatives to Marriage Project

Volunteers Opportunities For People Near and Far

We are currently seeking volunteers for three different jobs. The first two can be done from anywhere in the world (with email communication), while the last needs to be in the Boston or Providence area. As an all-volunteer nonprofit organization, we rely on the help of our supporters to keep ATMP rolling!

First Volunteer Opportunity: News Compiler

The national and international news in each issue of the Alternatives to Marriage Update is compiled by volunteers who want to help unmarried news reach unmarried people. This job can be done by email from any location. We send you the news stories, you edit them into short "blurb" length (an hour or two of work). The responsibility rotates each month to different volunteers, so you can sign up for one month to try it out and then decide if you want to do it in the future

Second Volunteer Opportunity: Webpage Maintainer

We are seeking people who are fluent in HTML to maintain two of Unmarried.org's pages: the Stories page (http://www.unmarried.org/storiestold.html) and a new Unmarried-Friendly Professionals page (coming soon). This job can be done by email from any location. Both pages receive occasional submissions, either of new stories or listings of professional who are sensitive to the needs of those in unmarried relationships. We would email these submissions and changes to you, and you would make the changes in HTML. We anticipate these will take one to two hours of work per month, depending on the number of submissions received.

Third Volunteer Opportunity: ATMP Intern

Volunteers and interns in the ATMP office help with every aspect of the organization. We particularly need help with data entry. You should live in the Boston or Providence area and be able to use a computer. The time commitment ranges from a few hours to a few days per week.

To learn more about any of these positions, contact us.

Book About Women and Divorce Available Through ATMP

ATMP is pleased to make available Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End Their Marriages Do So Well, by our board member Ashton Applewhite. Contrary to the image of the financially-strapped, emotionally-exhausted divorcee, this book tells the stories of women who thrived after leaving unhappy relationships and offers encouragement and advice on surviving divorce. Ordering information is available here.

Other books available though ATMP (see bookstore) include:

Living Together: A Legal Guide for Unmarried Couples

A Legal Guide for Lesbian and Gay Couples

All proceeds from book sales benefit the Alternatives to Marriage Project.

ATMP Visits College Sociology Classes

Miller and Solot spoke to two Rhode Island College classes of Sociology of Family about unmarried relationships. Students talked about the reasons some couples choose to live together before getting married, reasons why some couples might not marry at all, and ways of considering sociological research on unmarried relationships. Some students who were being pressured to marry expressed relief to learn that ATMP existed.

Anyone can organize a workshop, speaker, or panel on alternatives to marriage for your group, conference, or class -- we'd be delighted to help you. Contact us or 518-462-5600 to discuss the possibilities.

Book Buzz

Public Vows: A History of Marriage and the Nation, by Nancy Cott (Harvard University Press, 2000)

Reviewed by Dorian Solot

Yale University historian Nancy Cott's new book on the history of marriage in the United States offers a fascinating glimpse of the role marriage has played in some of the country's most contentious social issues. She reminds us, for example, how abolitionists argued forcefully that the refusal to recognize slaves' marriages was "the most appalling feature" of slavery. She details that the earliest women's rights conventions focused more attention on women's subordination within marriage than they did on women's right to vote. And she tells the stories of couples throughout our nation's history whose relationships didn't fit the traditional marriage mold. One of these couples, Lillian Harman and Edwin Walker, held a "marriage" ceremony in 1887 but chose not to obtain a marriage license -- and as a result, were arrested and sent to jail.

The book's final chapter explores the modern struggles around cohabitation, same-sex marriage, and marriage as a part of welfare reform. Cott sagely points out the irony of the sweeping changes that have affected marriage in the last 25 years, yet how strong the love for and belief in legal marriage remains. By revealing its ever-changing form, Public Vows speaks volumes on the man-made nature of what we call marriage -- and what it reveals about the values and beliefs of each historical moment.

(If you've read a recently-published book that you think might interest others who like to ponder marriage and non-marriage, we invite you to write a couple of paragraphs about it for this section of our newsletter!) You can read the book reviews in archived issues of our newsletter here.

Heartfelt Thanks

Thank you to all who have made a donation to ensure that relationships and families are supported, both married and unmarried. We received recent gifts from Joshua Albertson, Philip Bradley, Alexandra Chasin, Jonathan and Susanne Dunmore, William Gulvin, Connie Malamed, Daniel Marquart, Anne McCormick, Victoria Medaglia, J.A.L. Miller, Gerard Palmeri, Nancy Polikoff, Mark Schubin and Karen McLaughlin, and Vicki and Evan Solot. Thanks, too, to David Booth for his in-kind donation of photography.

If recognizing family diversity is important to you, please make a contribution to support ATMP's work in the next year. Your gift is tax-deductible. You can send a check to ATMP, P.O. Box 991010, Boston, MA 02199. Or call us (518-462-5600) to charge your donation to your credit card. You can also show your ongoing support for ATMP making a monthly or quarterly credit card gift. Thank you!

Tidbits

New TV Game Show Offers Wedding as Prize

The creators of the television show "Big Brother" are planning a new show where couples will surprise their mate with a wedding proposal, then compete for "the wedding of their dreams." The couples will participate in outrageous activities to earn points. The couple that accumulates the most points at the end of the show wins an extravagant wedding with a ceremony performed right then and there, live on television. The show is set to premier in February on the WB Network.

Sizzling Statistics

Percentage of Single Women Increasing

According to the Chicago Tribune, more than 43 million unmarried women live in the U.S., and their share of the female population is growing rapidly. Between 1960 and 1990, the percentage of women who were married decreased from 66 percent to 55 percent. Among women ages 25 to 55, in 1960, 85 percent were married; by 1998, that figure had fallen to 68 percent. Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, co-director of the National Marriage Project, finds that 10 to 15 percent of women express no interest in marrying.

Unmarried Women Buying More Houses

In 1999, twice as many unmarried women as unmarried men bought houses, according to the National Association of Realtors. Unmarried women accounted for 18 percent of all homebuyers. In 1989, single women represented only 13 percent of homebuyers. The median age of unmarried female buyers is 41, but 30% are under 35 years old.

British Marriage Patterns Split Along Ethnic Lines

In Britain, "traditional values" about marriage are seen most among Pakistani and Bangladeshi communities, according to a researcher from the Institute for Social and Economic Research at the University of Essex. In contrast, whites and people of Caribbean descent are more likely to be single parents, divorced or live with an unmarried partner. In the Asian community, 60% of adults are married, compared to 39% in the Caribbean community.

British Divorce Rates Fall to Lowest for 10 Years

According to the British Office for National Statistics, the rate of divorce in Britain is at its lowest level in ten years. It is the third consecutive year that the number of divorces has fallen. One reason for the low rate of divorce is thought to be the falling rate of marriage. Another is the higher average age at which couples marry. Just under 1.3 per cent of the married population were divorced in 1999, the lowest rate since 1990.

Young British Women Still Want Husband and Family

A survey found that more than nine in ten British 25 year old women said they wanted to marry and be monogamous. On average, the women said they wanted to marry at age 29.

Changing Role of Marriage in France

Two out of three people in France believe the institution of marriage is coming back into fashion, but almost a quarter no longer see it as a lifelong commitment, according to a recent poll. Slightly more than half, 53%, believe marriage is more important than the partnerships of unmarried couples. But 40% believe that "civil solidarity pacts" (France's name for their system of recognising unmarried same-sex and different-sex partners) are as important or more important than the traditional bonds of matrimony. Among unmarried people, 58% said they intended to marry, and 15% said they intended to live with a partner without marrying.

One-Quarter of Young Australians Won't Marry

A paper by a professor of demography at the Australian National University found that that 27% of Australian men and 23% of Australian women ages 15 to 20 will not have married by the time they are 50. According to the paper, marital trends in Australia have swung wildly in the past century. In 1921, 17%of women never married; in 1981, only 4% never married; in 1999, it was about 9%. The corresponding figures for men are slightly higher.

News From the United States

Thanks to Lisa Parkinson for her help with compiling the news and statistics in this issue!

Woman Admits to Running Marriage Scheme

Chicago woman pleaded guilty to charges that she married five men to help them get permanent resident status and arranged marriages for at least 35 others. Immigrants paid at least $1,500 each to arrange sham marriages with her U.S. citizen friends, allowing them to get permanent resident status in the United States. She faces a sentence of about three years in prison.

No Crime Compensation for Unmarried Partners in Minnesota

Minnesota's Crime Victims Reparations Board withdrew a proposed rule change that would have made same-sex and different-sex domestic partners eligible for spousal crime victim benefits, including counselling and small payments. The proposal would have expanded the term "family member" to include "a person in a relationship with the victim of substantial duration with an exclusive mutual commitment similar to that of marriage and who was residing with the victim at the time of the crime." The public safety commissioner has suggested holding off on the move until after Governor Jesse Ventura establishes a standard for domestic partners in connection with benefits for state employees.

New Book Tells Wives To "Surrender" to Husbands

Laura Doyle's advice guide, The Surrendered Wife, claims to reveal the secret to a happy marriage. The California housewife author tells women they'll be happiest if they obey their husbands, submit to sex whenever their husband wishes, and not demand satisfaction for themselves. Because of massive interest and the start of "surrendered wives'" groups around the world, the publisher has doubled the book's print run to 100,000.

News From Around the World

Eloping UAE Couple Charged With Adultery

A couple from the United Arab Emirates who eloped and got married have been arrested for adultery because the woman did not have her father's permission to marry. The 20-year-old Palestinian woman and her Pakistani husband were arrested for adultery. A marriage contract is invalid in their city unless the father of the bride has signed it. The woman must now appeal to the courts to give her marriage legal standing.

Chinese Single Woman's Hope for Child Sparks Commotion

A 28 year old Chinese woman has sparked a national debate by deciding to try to conceive a baby using artificial insemination. The woman decided marriage was not for her, but she still wanted a child. Due to the uproar her story has caused, she has been in hiding since the media publicized her quest for a child. The Chinese Government has fueled debate by pointing out that in China not only is it taboo for a single woman to bear a child, it is also illegal.

British Paper Starts Human Rights Challenge

The British newspaper The Guardian is filing court challenges to pieces of legislation that define the status of the Royal Family. The paper says that because of discriminatory rules, dozens of people have been disqualified from eligibility to be part of the Royal Family. These include children born to unmarried parents, as well as non-Protestants, people married to non-Protestants, and adopted children.

Harry Potter Author Defends Unmarried

J.K. Rowling , the author of the Harry Potter books, attacked Ann Widdecombe, the Shadow Home Secretary, for suggesting that married couples were "the norm." Rowling, a single parent, pointed out that a quarter of Britain's children are being raised by single parents. "Ann Widdecombe, justifying her remarks against lone parents, told Good Housekeeping magazine that she feels society should have a 'preferred norm'," Rowling said. "We may not be some people's preferred norm but we are here."

Kenyan Man Commits Suicide for Lack of Wife

A 38-year-old Kenyan man committed suicide as a result of failing to find a woman willing to marry him. Neighbors found the man's body in his house lying on the floor next to an empty bottle suspected to have contained a pesticide he drank. He left a suicide note in which he blamed women for persistently turning down his marriage offers. The note said he had taken his life after struggling in vain to get a life partner for the last nine years.

Mexico City Bill Would Give Rights to Same-Sex Couples

The Party of the Democratic Revolution is introducing a bill in Mexico City's legislature to establish legal recognition of same-sex couples through so-called "binding unions." The bill has been drafted in consultation with gay and lesbian civil rights activists and will include property and adoption rights like those already available to common-law different-sex couples after two years' cohabitation.

British Girls' Group Banishes Marriage from Handbook

The Guide Association, a British group similar to the Girl Scouts, recently revised their handbook and banished the word marriage. The recently published book for the senior section of the Guides envisions girls having "partners" instead of specifying that the partners must be husbands. A Guide Association spokesman said that reaction since publication had been "very positive," and that the Guides are "are not trying to be pro- or anti-marriage."

Iran Parliament to Enhance Women Rights

Following its recent moves to improve women's rights, the Iranian parliament is set to debate a bill that would permit unmarried women to travel abroad to pursue their university education. The controversial bill, which would rescind a law passed in 1985, was approved by the Education and Research Committee of the parliament three months ago. According to the present law, only male students or married women accompanied by their husbands may go abroad for higher education.

Nigerian Girl Faces 180 Lashes for Having Unmarried Sex

A seventeen year old girl who gave birth in northern Nigeria now faces 180 lashes on conviction of premarital sex by an Islamic court. The punishment is not to be carried out until at least40 days after the baby's birth. The girl was reported by the police as being pregnant despite being unmarried. Canada has joined Nigerian human rights groups in protesting the sentence and seeking a reversal on humanitarian grounds.

Cohabitors Can't Adopt in Britain

British Prime Minister Tony Blair promised to achieve a 40% increase in adoptions by 2004-05. A white paper suggests major changes in adoption law, and says prospective parents "will not be automatically excluded from adoption on grounds of age, health or other factors, except in the case of certain criminal convictions." However, there are no plans to change the law that allows only married couples or individuals to adopt. This means that cohabiting couples will still not be able to adopt together. In the United States, single people are usually welcomed as adoptive parents, and cohabiting couples are increasingly being allowed to adopt together (depending on the policies of the state and the agency involved).

British Paper Will Praise Family Stability, Not Marriage

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has decided that a forthcoming policy document on the family will refer to the merits of stable relationships, including marriage, without putting one type of family above others. The final version follows a bitter Cabinet, but will emphasize that stability, not marital status, is important for children.

Unmarried Iranian Women May Soon Be Eligible for Study Abroad

The Iranian parliament has passed a bill which would enable unmarried women to apply for scholarships to study overseas. Iran banned unmarried women from obtaining state scholarships for studying abroad in 1985. In order to take effect, the bill must still be ratified by the 12-member Guardians' Council, which is responsible for ensuring that parliament's decisions do not contradict the laws of Islam.

Skidmore, America West to Offer Inclusive Domestic Partner Benefits

Skidmore College plans to offer health insurance and other benefits to the same-sex and different-sex unmarried domestic partners of its employees. The change will make Skidmore one of the few employers in the region to offer benefits to unmarried partners. The faculty backed the policy, and the college's board of trustees voted unanimously for it.

Arizona-based America West Airlines told its employees that it would be extending spousal health care and travel benefits to employees' same-sex and different-sex domestic partners of at least six months' standing. Since 1999, seven of the other top ten air carriers have announced extension of similar benefits, the exceptions being Alaska Air (which reportedly offers partial partner benefits) and TWA.

BellSouth, Providence Police, Michigan County Offer Benefits to Same-Sex Partners

BellSouth has joined the ranks of companies offering benefits to same-sex domestic partners of employees. The decision affects only management employees. BellSouth spokeswoman Nechole Merritt said, "We have been looking at the business environment, and as we become more competitive, we wanted to make sure we do everything we could to attract and retain a talented and diverse work force."

A new contract between Providence, Rhode Island and the police department includes health care coverage for same-sex partners, giving police the same coverage already afforded to city firefighters, laborers, and teachers. Mayor Vincent Cianci said he wanted people from all backgrounds to feel welcome to work for the city.

The same-sex partners of employees of Washtenaw County, Michigan will receive spousal medical, dental, and optical benefits. A 9 - 6 vote of the county's Board of Commissioners, with all five Republicans and one Democrat opposing on moral grounds, made Washtenaw Michigan's first county to extend the benefit.

More Employers To Offer DP Benefits

Other employers that have recently announced they will provide benefit to employees' domestic partners include America's Second Harvest, Rollins College, San Luis Obispo County, California, and Savvis Communications.

California County May Require Contractors To Offer DP Benefits

San Mateo County may require county contractors to provide the same benefits to same-sex couples that they offer to married employees. If passed at a meeting of supervisors, the law would extend the requirement to all firms of more than 15 employees that contract with the county. Similar laws exist in a handful of other cities and counties around the country.

Study Finds DP Benefits Affordable

A new study by the Institute for Gay and Lesbian Strategic Studies (available at http://www.iglss.org) cost employers an increase of one to two percent. Ultimately, the savings in hiring and training costs that might result from better employee retention will often offset or absorb the costs for health care coverage, the study found. "The costs are low, but the benefits to employers and employees alike are very significant," said IGLSS Executive Director Stacy Roth.