In this issue:
AtMP Needs Your Help
1) Share Your Story, Educate the Public
2) Help Needed in New Jersey
3) Please Make a Donation to Help AtMP Thrive

Around the Alternatives to Marriage Project
1) AtMP Endorses Position Paper on Marriage/Welfare
2) Thousandth Person Signs Affirmation of Family Diversity
3) AtMP Member Gets Partners Added to Personnel Policy
4) Welcome to Summer Intern

In the Media
- From the Ladies' Home Journal to the Wall Street Journal!
Heaps of Thanks
Book Buzz: The End of Marriage
Tidbits & Statistics
News From the United States
News From Around the World
Domestic Partnership News (U.S.)
Quoteworthy

AtMP Needs Your Help

Share Your Story, Educate the Public

AtMP's supporters tell us their number one priority is to educate the public about unmarried issues and family diversity. We need your help to do this effectively: journalists and writers regularly ask us to help them find unmarried couples from their area who are willing to be interviewed. Right now we're looking for people in the following places, who fit the following descriptions:

• NYC-area: Cohabitors (in relationships of any length. We also have a particular need for ones who have been in a relationship 10 years or more) (for a potential newspaper article)
• Delaware: Any cohabitors (for a newspaper reporter)
• Anywhere: Happily cohabiting male-female couples who have been in a relationship nine years or more (for an author working on a book)
• Anywhere: Heterosexual cohabitors between ages 25 and 55, who have lived together for 5 or more years and have no intention of getting married in the future (for NYU graduate student research, seeking people to fill out a short survey or participate in a phone interview)
• Anywhere: Cohabiting couples who have written contracts about finances or property (cohabitation contracts, domestic partnership agreements, etc.), or are considering creating such a contract (for frequent requests from reporters)
• Anywhere: Couples who were married, got divorced, but stayed together in a relationship (i.e., couples who wanted to stay together but decided they no longer wanted to be legally married) (for Alternatives to Marriage Project research)
• People in these states where we currently have no one on our "willing to be interviewed" list: Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut, Delaware, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, North Dakota, South Dakota, West Virginia, and Wyoming (to have in our database for the next time a reporter calls from one of these places)

If you fit any of the descriptions above, please contact us with your name, city, state, a brief description of your situation, and a daytime phone number. Thank you!

Help Needed in New Jersey

Organizers in New Jersey are working to introduce state legislation that would recognize domestic partners (same-sex, different-sex, and other adults in emotionally and economically committed relationships). If such legislation passed, it would put the state in the forefront of recognizing a broad range of relationships and families.

Local activists are looking for volunteers who can help organize, couples who can share their stories with media and at legislative hearings, and supporters who can spread the word among friends and neighbors. If you can help, contact usand we'll get you connected.

Please Make a Donation to Help AtMP Thrive
Every day we hear from people who thank us for all the ways AtMP changes people's lives and makes the world a better place. AtMP is five years old now, and tremendously successful by almost any measure.
But in order to reach the next level of effectiveness, we need staff and additional financial resources to turn our ideas (no shortage of those!) into realities. If our existence is important to you, please make a donation. It's easy to give online, or mail a donation to the address at the end of this message.

Around the Alternatives to Marriage Project

AtMP Endorses Position Paper on Marriage/Welfare

AtMP is pleased to add our name to the long list of academics and activists opposing using welfare dollars to promote marriage. Read the paper and see what you can do to help the campaign!

Thousandth Person Signs Affirmation of Family Diversity

AtMP's Affirmation of Family Diversity, first unveiled in 2000, recently garnered its 1,000th signature! The Affirmation is our statement of support for all kinds of families, a celebration of the forms that healthy relationships and families can take. View the list of signatories or add your name!

AtMP Member Gets Partners Added to Personnel Policy

Lyssa Andersson, an AtMP member in Massachusetts, is a member of her church's Personnel Committee. The change she proposed to the church's policy was accepted, so that domestic partners are now included in the benefits package for church employees. Lyssa writes: "It was a hard sell, because no one has ever asked for these benefits, and no one will be taking advantage of them at this time, but I made the point that, as a welcoming UU [Unitarian Universalist] congregation, it is our duty to make these benefits available. I hope this lights a fire under at least one person to do the same!" If you do, let AtMP know, so we can share the good news!

Welcome to Summer Intern
Luke Mechem, a Hampshire College junior, has hit the ground running in our office. He's been helping us catch up with the huge volume of emails we receive, and charging forward with long-term projects large and small. Welcome, Luke!

In the Media

AtMP in the Public Conversation on Marriage

Marriage and alternatives to marriage continued to make headlines in recent months. Some highlights of our spring media coverage:

• The Ladies' Home Journal's lengthy article on cohabitation in the current (July 2003) issue includes a quote from AtMP.
• The Wall Street Journal featured AtMP in an article on the legal and financial advantages and disadvantages of living together, and pointed out our website as a resource.
• The Washington Post, Reuters, and United Press International all included comments from AtMP in their articles on a study that found that after a short post-wedding "happiness boost," being married doesn't affect whether people are happy or not.
• The Times of London and The Observer (London) both ran stories about AtMP founders Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller's book, Unmarried to Each Other, and mentioned AtMP.
• USA Today and the Associated Press included comments from AtMP in their coverage of the National Marriage Project's new report on marriage and children.

Let Them Eat Wedding Rings Report Affects Debate

Our report on marriage promotion and welfare reform, "Let Them Eat Wedding Rings," continues to be cited by others writing about the subject. Most recently, it was mentioned (as an opposing viewpoint) in the Family Research Council's Insight article "Why Marriage Should Be Privileged in Public Policy," and in an article by the Connecticut General Assembly's Permanent Commission onthe Status of Women, "Marriage Promotion and Welfare Policy: Not a Perfect Match."

And that's not all! Here's a partial list of AtMP's other media appearances in the last few months:

Television: CNNfn news, PowerLunch (CNBC), Fox Philadelphia, The Flipside (CNNfn), and Real Life with Mary Amoroso (CN8)

Print Media: American Demographics Forecast, UU World, Commentary Magazine, Free Inquiry, Woman's Own, Alternative Family Matters newsletter, Bergen Record, Bismarck Tribune, Boston Metro, Charlestown Daily Mail, Delaware News Journal, Denver Business Journal, Detroit News, Fargo Forum, Greater Milwaukee Today, Halifax Herald Limited, Herald News (Paterson, NJ), Honolulu Advertiser, Las Vegas Review-Journal, Quincy Patriot Ledger (MA), Philadelphia Inquirer, Seattle Post-Intelligencer, Spartanburg Herald-Journal, Tampa Tribune, and Tulsa World.

Radio: 40 shows, including the Michael Medved Show, Sound Money (national NPR), Prime Time (AARP radio), DayBreak USA, Kimball in the City (Oregon Public Radio), Mars/Venus on the Air, and Voices in the Family (WHYY Philadelphia).

Online: Bankrate.com, CBSMarketwatch.com, DivorceMagazine.com, Motley Fool (fool.com), and MSN Money (MSN.com)

You can read some of these articles:

• "Does a Ring Bring Happiness, or Vice Versa?" - The Washington Post
• "Nontraditional Couples Need Old-Fashioned Money Management" - national Associated Press
• "More Moms and Dads Aren't Tying the Knot" - Seattle Post-Intelligencer (features several AtMP members and their families)
• "Marriage as an Institution is Abandoning Kids, Study Finds" - USA Today

Heaps of Thanks

Thank you to departing interns Tucker Lieberman and Meaghan Lamarre, who helped AtMP during the fall and spring semesters. Both were great behind-the-scenes helpers for AtMP's three houseparties last fall, and they've both been busy keeping things running smoothly in our office. Thanks, Tucker and Meaghan, for all your hard work!

Thanks to all the volunteers who helped get our most recent fundraising mailing out the door, and who helped at our recent conference booth at Unitarian Universalist General Assembly! These included Lyssa Andersson, Ashton Applewhite, Charles Backman, Susan Berry, Kate Brick, LaKay Cornell, Carolyn Cronin, Mark Dulcey, Micah Ellinger, Woody Glenn, Bobbi Keppel, John Kilguss, Jing Liu, Meaghan Lamarre, Tucker Lieberman, Jaye Mahon, Luke Mechem, Suzanne Miller, Laurie Nelson, Julia Nickles, Melissa Perna, Susan Rooney, Sunessa Schettler, Anne Slepian, Laura Anne Stuart, Pam Williams, Walter vom Saal, Sarah Wright, and Deborah Zysman.

Book Buzz

The End of Marriage? Individualism and Intimate Relations, by Jane Lewis (2001)

Reviewed by Dorian Solot

The End of Marriage? isn't light summer reading, but its academic perspective on changes in marriage and the rise of unmarried relationships is a fascinating and unusual one. That may be in part because the author, Jane Lewis, and the publisher are British, rescuing the book from American cultural ruts in the marriage debates.

Lewis begins with an overview of the changing demographics of marriage and cohabitation in Europe and the U.S., and an exploration of the claim that the primary problem facing families is increasing selfishness and individualism among adults. In Part 2, she traces the history of the meanings of marriage and the centuries of debates over the state's role in regulating the institution. These political debates have been particularly interesting and heated in the U.K., where some mainstream political groups have argued that there is little need to distinguish between married and unmarried relationships. In Part 3, she reports on new qualitative and quantitative research examining why married and cohabiting couples with children make the relationship choices they do. The quotes and stories sound remarkably similar to those of AtMP members, and Lewis's added insights make this possibly the most interesting section of the book.

The different parts of The End of Marriage? can be jarring, as if they belonged in different books. But Lewis's conclusion, that "it seems odd that many of those seeking to promote marriage can only suggest ways of doing so that penalise alternative forms of intimate relationships," is welcome and needed.

Statistics & Tidbits

Census Releases More Data on Unmarried Partners

Newly released Census reports from 2000 show that unmarried couples are more likely than married ones to be young and live in an urban area, and are twice as likely to be African-American or Native American than white. While 6% of married couples are interracial, 12% of unmarried couples are interracial. Forty-three percent of different-sex unmarried couples are living with children as are 33% of female same-sex couples, 22%of male same-sex couples, and 46% of married couples.

Couple Marries After Seven Decades of Living Together

An Oklahoma City couple married after living together for 78 years, in a ceremony attended by three of their grandchildren, among other guests. The grandchildren were said to have pushed for a wedding for their 94 and 95 year old grandparents.

Study Finds Marriage Doesn't Increase Happiness

A 15-year study of 24,000 people in Germany (including 7,000 foreigners and immigrants living in Germany) found that people's level of happiness or unhappiness is the same as it was before the relationship began, except for a two-year happiness boost among newlyweds. The study's findings, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, suggest that happier people are more likely to form relationships, not that marriage makes people happier.

Percent of Unmarried Asian-Americans Rises

According to the Census, the percentage of unmarried Asian-Americans increased from 31% in 1994 to 33 percent in 2002. In the U.S. overall, 29% of residents are unmarried.

Majority of British Households Now Unmarried

The 2001 British census shows that, for the first time, less than half of households are headed by married couples. There has been a steady decline in recent years. The figures were 68% in 1971, 64% in 1981, 55% in 1991, and now 45% in 2001. One-person households now represent 30% of all households. Cohabiting couples represent 8% of all households in England and Wales (very close to the U.S.'s 9%).

French Priest Refuses to Marry Childfree Couple

A French couple was refused a religious wedding ceremony by the Catholic church because they said they did not want to have children, according to a French newspaper. The pair told the parish priest that they were afraid of passing on a nervous disorder from which the woman suffered. Church officials told the paper that in the Catholic marriage ceremony, the bride and groom must declare that they intend to have children and accept the "responsibility of spouse and parent."

News From the United States

Thanks to Tucker Lieberman for compiling the news and statistics for this issue of the Update!

Supreme Court Ends Bans on Gay & Unmarried Sex

In a landmark decision, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws across the country that criminalized consensual sex in private. "Sodomy laws" that made oral and anal sex illegal (in some states just among same-sex couples, sometimes for any couple), and "fornication laws" that made it illegal for unmarried couples to have intercourse, were still on the books in about 13 states. Although couples were rarely prosecuted under the laws, they were often used to justify discrimination in employment, housing, and child custody.

Unmarried Can Sue for Loss of Consortium
The New Mexico Supreme Court ruled that unmarried partners, not only married spouses, can sue for the loss of a partner's companionship (usually due to injury or accident). The court said that in order to be eligible, claimants would have to prove they had "an intimate familiar relationship," considering factors like "the duration of the relationship, the degree of mutual dependence, the extent of common contributions to a life together, [and] the extent and quality of shared experience." The decision is expected to apply to same-sex and different-sex couples.

North Dakota Keeps Anti-Cohabitation Law on the Books
North Dakota senators rejected a proposal to repeal a rarely enforced law against cohabitation. They claimed that the law sends a moral message and that a repeal would increase the risk of domestic abuse and divorce.
Inspired by the legislative decision, Grand Forks Herald columnist Ryan Bakken wrote one of the funniest pieces every written about cohabitation. AtMP board member Sarah Wright's more serious take on the subject was published in the Fargo Forum.

Iowa Parents Who Cohabit Could Risk Losing Custody
The Iowa House Human Resources Committee voted 12-9, along party lines, against parents who cohabit with a partner. If an unmarried different-sex partner moves in with a parent, the other parent has grounds to petition to the court for a child custody review. The justification for the change is the alleged increased risk of child abuse by unmarried partners, but the law already allows parents who suspect abuse to petition for a custody change.

Yale Students Argue for On-Campus Cohabitation
The Alliance for Sensible College Housing at Yale (ASCHY, pronounced "Ask Why") petitioned the administration to permit different-sex students to room together. Cohabitation is permitted at Harvard, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Columbia, Swarthmore, Haverford, Brandeis, Oberlin and Wesleyan, and other colleges and universities.

News From Around the World

Canadian Province Recognizes Same-Sex Marriage
In the Canadian province of Ontario, the high court ruled that it is unconstitutional to exclude same-sex couples from civil marriage, and ordered an immediate end to this form of discrimination. Canada's prime minister said the federal government will draft legislation to extend this change throughout Canada. Belgium and the Netherlands are currently the only other countries that grant full marriage rights to same-sex couples.

American GLBT legal groups urged caution to same-sex couples considering crossing the border to tie the knot. Although there is no residency requirement to marry, a one-year residency is required to get a divorce, meaning that American couples could find themselves with no way to end their marriage, since it may not be recognized in their own state. The legal groups also pointed out that "the decision to marry is not a political gesture, but one that carries substantial and permanent legal obligations," and warned against entering a Canadian marriage in hopes of filing a high-profile American lawsuit seeking marriage recognition. Want more info on the joint statement from American GLBT groups?

EU Will Recognize Partnerships from Other Countries
The European parliament has declared that any same-sex marriage, cohabitation contract, or registered partnership made in an EU member country should be recognized across Europe.

Australia Equalizes Same-Sex, Different Sex Unmarried Couples
The Australian Assembly agreed to revise the country's laws to recognize same-sex couples. Existing legislation already recognizes different-sex cohabiting couples, and while the change will not give same-sex couples full marriage rights, it will extend the protections already available to different-sex unmarried couples. Thirty-seven parliamentary acts will be amended to remove discriminatory language.

British Military Extends Survivors' Benefits to Unmarried Partners
Britain's Ministry of Defense will pay benefits to unmarried partners of all soldiers killed in action in Iraq. The decision came after it paid £250,000 to the girlfriend of a trooper killed in action in Sierra Leone in 2000, and the girlfriend of another soldier killed last year threatened legal action. To assess eligibility, the Ministry will use criteria such financial dependence or interdependence, the existence of children, shared legal and financial commitments, and the length of a relationship.

UK Church Report Recommends Acceptance of Cohabitation
The Southwark Diocese has commissioned a report which encourages the Church of England to consider cohabitation as "a new path from the single state to the married one." Because sex and living together before marriage have become so widely accepted, the report says, if the Church's message is seen as irrelevant, it risks "demeaning and undermining" the Church's broader messages.

The report rejects cohabitation that is not intended to lead to marriage.

Scottish Political Party Pledges Marriage' Legal Rights for Unmarrieds
At a recent party conference, the Scottish Liberal Democrat party pledged to create civil partnerships that could be entered by people of any sex and would grant the same legal rights as married couples. The proposals received an overwhelmingly majority vote at the conference.

Singapore Gov't Campaign Promotes Romance
Singapore, which has a low birth rate, launched a Valentine's Day government campaign to advocate "mating and multiplying." The campaign includes dances, cruises, romancing tips and other special events for couples. Due in part to the high cost of living and increasing educational and professional levels, people are choosing to marry later, if at all. Surveys show that the country's birth rate is at a 14-year low, marriages are down 2% from a decade ago, and the proportion of unmarried people over age 35 jumped from 19% to 30% in the last decade.

Vietnamese Gov't Promotes Marriage Door-to-Door
Vietnam has nearly a million cohabiting couples in a population of 80 million. Nearly half of those couples have been persuaded to marry due to the government's recent "fast-track" door-to-door marriage propaganda and licensing campaign, a program designed to make it easy for unmarrieds to tie the knot.

Philippines Says Unmarried Women Eligible for Maternity Benefits
A government commission in the Philippines reaffirmed its policy that female government employees are entitled to maternity leave benefits regardless of their marital status. The policy went into effect last year, but there have been reports that unmarried women were still being denied leave by some government agencies.

Domestic Partnership News (U.S.)

DP Registries Launched in Eugene, Southampton, Kansas County
Eugene, Oregon has become the third city in that state to create a domestic partner registry. Registration will be an official but largely symbolic act, open to same-sex and different-sex couples in relationships "of mutual support and commitment." The city has added "domestic registry status" to a list of characteristics protected by the city against housing and public accommodation discrimination. The town board of Southampton, Long Island, New York voted 4-0 (with one abstention) to create a domestic partner registry for couples of any sex. The registry provides only recognition and does not provide any new legal rights.

Jackson County, Kansas, created a Voluntary Civil Union Registry, open to same-sex and different-sex couples. It will not have any legal impact.

Defense Contractor, Major Drugmaker, Others Offer Inclusive DP Benefits
Northrop Grumman, the maker of nuclear-powered aircraft carriers and submarines, plans to begin offering domestic partner medical, dental, and vision benefits to employees' same-sex and different-sex partners. The policy will affect salaried workers, and the company says it will likely offer a similar plan to its hourly workers next year.

Eli Lilly and Company will offer health and other benefits to same-sex and different-sex unmarried domestic partners of its U.S. employees and retirees. Of 12 major drugmakers in the United States, Lilly said it found that it was among only two that don't offer the benefit. "We simply cannot afford to be at any competitive disadvantage in this war for talent," a Lilly spokesman said. 22,000 employees will be eligible.

Temple University will become the first public university in Pennsylvania to offer domestic partner benefits. The benefits will be available to same-sex and different-sex partners of employees of white-collar union staff, faculty, and graduate students. Couples will have to pay the premiums themselves, a compromise that will not require expenditure of state or university funds.

A new contract with Iowa state workers extends health and dental benefits to same-sex and different-sex domestic partners. Employees at Iowa's three state universities have had this benefit since 2000.

Lexington, KY Leaders Argue Over Offering DP Benefits
The mayor of Lexington, Kentucky issued an executive order authorizing health care benefits to same-sex and different-sex domestic partners of city employees. They mayor says she has the authority to make the change administratively, rather than debating with county council members. But the council disagreed, voting 11-4 to place a moratorium on partner benefits until the question of jurisdiction is resolved.

Associated Press To Offer Same-Sex DP Benefits
After many years of negotiations, the world's largest and oldest news organization, the Associated Press, will grant domestic partnership benefits to employees' same-sex partners. The decision impacts some 3,700 employees in over 200 bureaus throughout the world.

Democratic Candidates Support Same-Sex DP Benefits
According to a Boston Globe survey, According to the survey published last month, all the Democratic presidential candidates support domestic partner benefits for same-sex couples.

Portland Agencies Refuse to Provide DP Benefits, Sue City
Catholic Charities Maine has sued the city of Portland after the city refused to grant $87,000 due to Catholic Charities' failure to provide domestic partner benefits, as required by city law. Catholic Charities claims that this is religious discrimination and that federal laws on employee benefits trump municipal law. The Salvation Army also gave up $60,000 in funding rather than comply with the law.

More Employers Offer DP Benefits
The following employers have recently announced or implemented domestic partner benefits, according to the Human Rights Campaign: Advanced Fibre Communications, Best Buy, Boston Scientific, Cardinal Health, Countrywide Financial Corporation, Express Scripts, Hallmark Entertainment, International Paper Co., Johnson & Johnson, PNC Financial Services Group, Sandia National Laboratories, Troutman Sanders UnitedHealth Group.

Quoteworthy

"Basing a government policy of supporting families almost entirely upon marriage as an institution seems to leave the government with its head rather deep in the sand."
- Anne Barlow & Simon Duncan, "New Labour Communitarianism, Supporting Families, and the 'Rationality Mistake': Part II," as quoted in The End of Marriage, by Jane Lewis.