Alternatives to Marriage Update
March 2000

In this issue:

ATMP Membership Swells
Out and About
You Can Help in Massachusetts
Local Groups Forming
Seeking Your 15 Minutes of Fame?
Online Story Swap
Personal Ads
Book Buzz
Hearty Thank Yous
Sizzling Statistics
Tidbits
News From the United States
News From Around the World
Domestic Partner News (U.S.)

ATMP Membership Swells

The Alternatives to Marriage Project mailing list has grown to over 1100 people representing 45 states and twenty countries. We think this is pretty amazing, considering that we're less than two years old and staffed entirely by volunteers.

Out and About

ATMP Counters Arguments on NBC, Salon.com
The NBC Weekend Nightly News aired a segment soon on cohabitation on February 5th. Founders Marshall Miller and Dorian Solot spoke about the realities of unmarried couples lives, disagreeing with the marriage-only perspective of the National Marriage Project.

An article in the online magazine Salon.com exposed some of the secrets the marriage-only movement doesn't want people to know about. The article showed our critique of the National Marriage Project's cohabitation report to four prominent sociologists, and all agreed that our criticisms hit the mark.

Both these recent media appearances resulted in thousands of people visiting our website and hundreds of new subscribers to our newsletter and online list. Welcome!

Washington Times Quotes us on Marrying Millionaires
A recent article in the Washington Times asked for our opinion of the television show "Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire?". We think it's sad but revealing that many long, committed unmarried relationships never receive the kind of support and legal rights for which this married couple were eligible -- even though they didn't know each other before the wedding!

Socialist Newspaper Runs Our Article
The Socialist, the newspaper of the Socialist Party USA, printed our article, "Wedding Bell Blues" in their December/January issue. The article discussed the discrimination that people in unmarried relationships face, how the capitalist $35 million a year marriage industry commodifies marriage, and how the fight for family diversity is part of the larger struggle for social justice.

National Organization for Women TV Show To Air
Co-Founder Dorian Solot was interviewed for a two-part series on marriage produced by the Morristown, New Jersey chapter of the National Organization for Women. The show will air on cable access stations in New Jersey, the Philadelphia area, and other states around the country.

Christian Science Monitor Prints Our Letter
Our letter to the editor responded to an alarmist article in the Monitor that pointed demographic changes in family structures over one generation. We pointed out that the shifts have actually taken place over the course of more than a century (not just a few decades) and that cohabitation has increased as marriage has declined. Instead of worrying about the end of marriage, we pointed out that people continue to fall in love and form families, just as they always have.

You Can Help in Massachusetts

Because we're based in Massachusetts, we've been paying close attention to the domestic partnership legislation in this state. If you're a Massachusetts resident, you can make domestic partner benefits more widely available by making a few phone calls. Currently, a bill that would provide DP benefits to the same-sex and different-sex partners of state and municipal employees is making its way through the legislature. The bill passed the Senate in November as Senate Bill 2048 and was sent to the House, where it's been assigned to the House Ways and Means Committee (now it's called S2048).

If you'd like to see this bill become law, it's important that every state representative hear from his/her constituents about this issue. Urge your representative to support domestic partner health benefits for state and municipal employees. You can find out who your representative is by calling the House Clerk at (617) 722-2356.

An excellent Activist Guide to Domestic Partnership in Massachusetts has been produced by the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Political Alliance of Massachusetts. The Guide explains what DP benefits are, the history of the bill, and arguments in favor of S2048; lists ways Massachusetts residents can help get the bill passed; and includes a sample letter to legislators. The Guide, which is free, is available in paper form or can be e-mailed to you in Adobe Acrobat format. To request a copy, e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it or call (617) 338-GAYS.

Local Groups Forming

We frequently receive inquiries from people who want to meet with other local people to discuss issues related to alternatives to marriage.

ALBANY, NY: In Albany, there is interest in forming a group to discuss and take action on marital status discrimination that affects both married and unmarried people. If you live in the area and would like to get in touch with the group, contact us.

Would you like to join or help organize a one-time discussion or an ongoing group? Let us know, and we'll try to help you connect with others in your area.

Seeking Your 15 Minutes of Fame?

As our organization grows and gains visibility, journalists from print, television, and radio media are calling us with increasing frequency. Often they're hoping we can help them find an unmarried couple to interview. Sometimes they have a specific idea about what "kind" of couple they're looking for or they need to find a couple who lives in the geographic area about which they're writing. We think this media contact is important. It allows unmarried people to tell our own stories (instead of only having "experts" talk about us as statistical tragedies), and the increased visibility helps people understand our relationships We're compiling a database of people who are willing to *consider* talking to the media, and we're hoping you'll contact us to tell us we can add your name. If you're on the list and you fit the description a journalist is seeking, we'll give them your e-mail address or phone number (whatever you prefer). You always have the option of deciding on a case-by-case basis: if you find out more about their story and decide you'd rather not be interviewed this time, you can always say so.

Online Story Swap

One of the challenges we face as unmarried people is a shortage of stories -- narratives that ground us, give us a sense of history and community, and put our lives in context. We're all surrounded by fairytales, movies, books, and sitcoms whose characters share the same goal: to get married and live "happily ever after." Yet for some of us, marriage isn't our goal, or simply isn't an option for us right now. Many of you have asked us to create a place where visitors to our website can share their stories. We've created a brand-new Stories page just for this purpose. We invite you to tell us a bit about your relationship, your family, and/or your thoughts on marriage. For more information, visit the Stories page.

Personal Ads

We are exploring whether there is interest in a free online personal ad service for people seeking relationships where the goal is not marriage. Several of you have told us of your interest; if there are enough others, we'll go ahead and set up the service. If this is something that would be of interest to you, contact usand let us know. If there is sufficient interest, we will send you more information about how to submit or read personal ads.

Book Buzz

The Trouble with Normal: Sex, Politics, and the Ethics of Queer Life, by Michael Warner (Free Press, 1999).

"Why Gays Should Be Against Same-Sex Marriage" states the flyer accompanying The Trouble With Normal. In this book, Warner devotes a compelling chapter to the issue of same-sex marriage, using arguments that many ATMP supporters might find ring true for their own decision-making about marriage. Marriage, argues Warner, divides people into two classes, the married and the unmarried. The married have economic, social, and other privileges created by the state-sanctioning of their relationship, privileges the unmarried do not have. To allow same-sex couples the right to marry may expand the scope of who may access these privileges, but does not fundamentally alter the system of granting privileges on the basis of relationship status. "It would be better if the right to intimate association were recognized and interdependencies valued in any form, not just the married couple," he writes.

The Trouble With Normal, and, in particular, the chapter on marriage, is an insightful, interesting read. Warner rips the writings of Andrew Sullivan and others who argue that marriage will make gay men monogamous and also critiques the subtler (yet, he argues, also dangerous), positions which ATMP espouses, "Everyone should have the right to marry," as though marriage were merely a matter of individual rights. Regardless of your feelings about same-sex marriage, this book is sure to expand the depth of your analysis of the issue, not to mention amuse you with witty lines like, "[The] idealization of marriage is typical of those who are excluded from it: priests, gays, adolescents. It shows an extraordinary willful blindness."

Hearty Thank Yous

It Keeps Us Going Thank you to Daniel Church, Tom Coleman, and Ted and Marjorie Nickles for generous donations. The contributions of donors are what make our work possible. If you'd like to help us create a society in which diverse relationships are supported and valued, we'd appreciate your support. Make out your check to ATMP and mail it to P.O. Box 991010, Boston, MA 02199. Thank you!

Special thanks to Alice Yew for compiling and editing the news in this issue!

Sizzling Statistics

Marriage Rates Dropping In NYC...and Nationwide
The number of new marriages in New York City is at its lowest point since the 1970s. Although the city has long been a haven for singles, the decline in marriage rates appears to mirror a national trend. In 1999, the marriage rate in New York was 7.6 per 1,000, down from 9.1 per 1,000 in 1997. Nationally, 8.3 per 1,000 Americans married in 1998, the lowest rate since 1958. Among the causes cited by sociologists is a greater acceptance of living together outside marriage. Financial incentives may also play a role.

Births Outside Marriage Up In Most Western Countries
A report coming from the Office for National Statistics in the U.K. shows that in Britain, babies born outside of wedlock accounted for 38% of all births in 1998, compared with 37% the year before, and 26% in 1988. Joint registration to parents living at the same address has increased gradually over the past decade, to over 60% of out-of-wedlock births today. Similar trends have been found in most western European countries, but Britain has the highest rate of women in western Europe who bring up children without a live-in partner.

Two More Studies Oversimplify Marital Status Differences
A study titled "The Negative Effects of Cohabitation", by a sociologist at the University of Chicago, claims that unmarried couples who live together are more likely to physically abuse their partners and be unfaithful, and less likely to get assistance from relatives than married couples. A book by a University of Virginia sociologist, "Marriage in Men's Lives," says that married men are more successful, happy, generous, mature, productive, and concerned about others than their bachelor counterparts. Both these studies fall into the same trap that many others have - much of not all of the differences between the married and unmarried people can be explained by socioeconomic and societal support differences between the two groups.

Tidbits

Who's The Father?
According to scientists at paternity testing laboratories in Britain, at least one in ten children was not sired by the man who believes he is the father; some laboratories report an even higher proportion of one in seven. Marriage breakdown and more births outside marriage are thought to be linked to increased disputes about paternity and the desire for genetic testing. Studies of blood types in 1940's USA apparently also revealed by accident that as many as 10% of children were not the offspring of the man they called father.

Tina Turner's Take On Marriage
Says Tina Turner in a magazine interview: "Marriage is important when you're afraid, insecure or need something. It's possible to be married just by being together." The 60 year old singer has spent the last 14 years cohabiting with her partner Erwin Bach, a record company executive.

Fergie Says She Wants Son But No Marriage
Britain's Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson told CNN's Larry King Live that she would like to have a son, but that doesn't mean she wants to remarry. "Who says you can't have a baby out of marriage?" she said, "I believe in a partnership". The duchess has two daughters from her previous marriage to Prince Andrew.

Marriage And Last Names
A 1994 study published in American Demographics found that 90% of married women surveyed adopted their husband's last name, 5% used hyphenated names, 2% used their maiden names exclusively, and about 3% opted for other alternatives. The last category is thought to be getting more popular in recent years, with some couples choosing entirely new surnames when they marry. There are also some cases of unmarried people creating new family names for themselves.

News From the United States

Vermont Grants Equal Rights to Same-Sex Partnerships
Vermont's Supreme Court ruled in December that same-sex couples are entitled to the same benefits and protections as married couples. It did not, however, confer a right to same-sex marriage. A preliminary draft of a domestic partnership bill has been presented to the House Judiciary Committee. It covers same-sex couples and is based on Vermont's existing marriage statutes. Some lawmakers recommend that any new domestic partnership law should include different-sex couples as well. We recommend these two excellent articles on the situation in Vermont:
"History in the Making: Vermont Mandates Rights for all Families," by Paula Ettelbrick and Sue Hyde (published in Sojourner: The Women's Forum).

"Who's In and Who's Not: Some Questions to Consider as Vermont Ponders Whether To Pass an Inclusive or Restrictive Domestic Partnership Law," by Thomas Coleman (American Association for Single People).

Couple Sues Utah For Adoption Rights
Backed by the American Civil Liberties Union, a gay couple is suing Utah's Division of Child and Family Services for the right to adopt children. The state's new policy effectively bans adoptions of children in state custody by unmarried same and different-sex couples, people in polygamous relationships, people who rent out rooms in their home, and anyone who lives with a roommate. Another lawsuit filed last year by a child advocacy group claimed the rule increases the potential for children to linger even longer in foster care, denying them every opportunity to be adopted. Single people without live-in partners are still allowed to adopt in Utah. Meanwhile, two, a bill to prevent same-sex couples from adopting has passed the Utah House of Representatives.

INS Intolerant Of Marriage Scams
An elaborate marriage scam, leading to the indictment of 35 people, focused attention on how phony marriages are used by some would-be immigrants to gain U.S. citizenship, and by fraudsters within the U.S. to make easy money. Suspected phony married couples are interviewed by federal authorities and are separately asked a number of questions to determine if they are really living together. Officials from the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) hope that by being very vigorous in the prosecution of such fraudulent marriages, others who are contemplating entering the country via such means might be deterred.

Study Says Same-Sex-Marriage Ban Could Hurt Children
In California, Proposition 22, due to be voted on in the March primary election, would let the state recognize only marriages performed between a man and a woman. At least 40,000 children living with same-sex couples and 100,000 more with gay single parents could be affected. A research review, based on findings by the American Psychological Association and several studies on same-sex parenting, says that these families are doing well, but the children could feel ostracized by society if their parents' unions were considered invalid.

Settlement Reached in North Dakota Housing Discrimination Case
The North Dakota Fair Housing Council and six residents of Bismarck have reached a $125,000 settlement in a 1998 housing discrimination lawsuit, possibly the largest settlement in the state's history. The landlord was charged with discriminating against several kinds of people in the selection of tenants, including unmarried couples, single mothers, and families with children.

Minnesota Legislature Considers Covenant-Marriage Proposal
In Minnesota, the legislature has been asked to approve a "covenant marriage" bill, which would give couples the option of signing an alternative marriage contract that makes divorce harder. Covenant couples would agree to premarital education and to marriage counseling if they later were considering divorce. They also would agree to a two-year waiting period for a divorce, except in cases involving abuse, abandonment or adultery. Following Louisiana's lead, covenant marriage bills cropped up in 17 state legislatures in 1999, although Arizona was the only state that actually adopted one.

Virginia Cities Stymied In Efforts To Reduce Unwed Births
Driven by a federal initiative that came out of the 1996 welfare reform bill, Virginia launched its Partners in Prevention project to reduce the proportion of babies born to unmarried parents. Now, three years on, many cities and communities didn't even apply for the state's latest $1 million round of grants. So far, the programs have been mainly geared toward teens; this time, the grants come with a directive to target 20- to 29-year-old women, and to urge abstinence. Meanwhile, overall births to unmarried parents in Virginia have continued to rise.

House Passes Tax Cut For Married Couples
In time for Valentine's day, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives passed a bill that would cut income taxes for all married couples by $182 billion over 10 years. Forty-eight Democrats also voted for the bill, which was drafted with an aim to end the so-called "marriage penalty" currently paid by 25 million two-income couples. In addition, the bill would increase the size of the "marriage bonus" received by single-income couples who are already reaping the rewards of the marriage bonus.

Washington Court Reverses Gay Inheritance Award
A man who shared the house, business and financial assets with his same-sex partner for 28 years cannot inherit the estate of his partner, a Tacoma, Washington appeals court ruled, reversing a judge's decision. "We find no precedent for applying the marital concepts, either rights or protections, to same-sex relationships," the judge wrote, adding that extending these types of legal protections to unmarried couples is an issue for the legislature to decide.

News From Around the World

New British Charity Works To Support All Families
A new independent charity, the National Family and Parenting Institute, was established to bring "a strong national focus to parenting and families in the 21st century." At the charity's opening, the British Home Secretary, Jack Straw, said that the idea of a "golden age" of marriage is a myth and the decline in the popularity of marriage should not be a cause for alarm.

Unmarried Fathers To Be Given Full Parental Rights in the U.K.
The British government intends to amend the Children Act 1989 so that unmarried fathers who sign their child's birth certificate jointly with the mother will acquire parental responsibility, allowing them to exert influence over where their children go to school, where they are brought up and what kind of healthcare they receive. The government hopes the move will encourage unmarried fathers to take a greater day-to-day interest in raising their offspring. Conservatives have criticized the change as a further threat to the institution of marriage.

Singapore Government Matchmakers Reach Out To Young Crowd Government
Matchmakers are trying to sell younger Singaporeans on the idea of getting married in a bid to boost the falling birth rate. The Social Development Unit sets up group activities, pen pal services, Internet sites, and seminars for undergraduate students in attempt to help young people find mates and view marriage in a more positive light.

Egypt Debates Proposals To Change Divorce Law
In January, Egyptian parliament began debating proposed changes to the country's divorce law. The proposals would give new family courts the power to grant women a divorce within months (as opposed to many years) if they waive alimony rights and return their dowry. Conservatives fume that the reforms will erode the family, while some civil rights groups express reservations about the rights a woman seeking a divorce may have to relinquish. The law would also recognize divorce in the rising practice of unofficial weddings between young people who cannot afford today's crushing costs of engagement and marriage.

Civil Naming Ceremonies Planned in the U.K.
British parents will soon be able to have their children named at civil ceremonies rather than christened in church. The scheme is backed by the government in its Green Paper, Supporting Families, which argues that naming ceremonies would enable parents to publicly show long-term commitment to their children and will allow unmarried parents to be seen as making a joint parental responsibility agreement.

German Government Publishes DP Bill
Germany's long-awaited draft of a bill to extend some rights to same-sex couples was finally published but is facing criticism from gays and lesbians who believe the bill falls far short of what they'd been promised. The bill allows for joint property and financial arrangements, determining a shared surname for the partners, and arranging support payments after a couple breaks up, but fails to grant registered couples the standing of marital partners for taxation, government benefits and immigration.

Thousands Of French Couples Registered Under PACS
France's Civil Solidarity Pact (PACS) law, passed in October 1999, gives extensive legal rights to unmarried couples. By the end of 1999, more than 6000 same-sex and different-sex couples had registered their unions in courts throughout the country.

Births Outside Marriage Up in Eastern Germany
In Germany's eastern states, an unprecedented proportion of children are being born to unmarried parents. Although East Germans marry on average six years earlier than their compatriots in the western states, there has been a reluctance in recent years to tie the knot at all. Now every second child born in East Germany is born outside marriage; in the West it is 29%. This difference has been attributed in part to the strong welfare system which survives in the East.

"Come-We-Stay" In Kenya And Uganda
Many families in Kenya are built on a "come-we-stay" relationship, where a couple live together without going through any legal procedure. In some parts of the country such unions are thought to be the norm. One reason cited for their being so widespread is the expense of "bride price" or formal church weddings. Living together without marriage is also common in Uganda, where the Law Reform Commission has included a section on cohabitation in the new Domestic Relations Bill.

Domestic Partner News (U.S.)

Maryland County, Wisconsin School District, Connecticut Offer DP benefits
The Montgomery County, MD Council approved legislation extending health, pension, and family leave benefits to the same-sex partners of county employees. The council rejected a proposal to offer the benefits to different-sex couples as well. Opponents of the legislation are organizing a petition drive to attempt to stop it from taking effect.

A Madison, WI judge has ruled that unmarried partners of school teachers can share their insurance policies. The decision upholds a provision in the school district's contract with teachers. Taxpayers had objected to the benefit.

A Connecticut arbitrator's decision will require the state to offer health benefits to employees in same-sex relationships. It will take effect unless a two-thirds majority of one house of the Legislature determines there is not enough money to pay the benefit.

Merged Exxon-Mobil Corporation Ends DP Benefits
ExxonMobil Corporation has adopted a policy against giving benefits to the partners of newly hired employees, breaking with a policy at Mobil Corp. before the merger of the two companies. Other large oil companies, including BP-Amoco, Shell, and Chevron, do offer benefits to domestic partners. Exxon-Mobil may have become the second major U.S. employer ever to roll back DP benefits, as well as the first to end a policy prohibiting employment discrimination based on sexual orientation.

Panel Rejects Pitt Motion To Dismiss Same-Sex Benefits Case
A new Pennsylvania state law exempts state and state-related universities from any local ordinance that might require them to provide same-sex benefits. However, the Pittsburgh Commission on Human Relations asserted that the statute does not bar it from deciding if the University of Pittsburgh discriminated by denying health benefits to the domestic partners of its gay and lesbian employees.

Same-Sex DP Registrations Available in California The California Secretary of State's office began to accept declarations of domestic partnership registrations from same-sex couples in January. The declarations will allow visitation rights with each other in medical facilities and give state and local government employees access to coverage under a partner's health plan. The new state law also applies to male-female couples with at least one partner over the age of 62, provided they meet specific provisions under the federal Social Security Act.

New Hampshire Considering DP Benefits For State Employees
A House committee was told in January that extending health care coverage to domestic partners of state workers would correct an inequity and bring New Hampshire into line with the private sector. Although the bill is aimed mostly at same-sex partnerships, unmarried heterosexuals in long-term relationships may also be included.

American Century, Continental, Citigroup Expand Benefits
American Century Investments, a Kansas City-based mutual fund, brokerage and investment company, is allowing workers to include one nontraditional household member (instead of a married spouse) in their employer-subsidized health-care coverage. This dependent can be a domestic partner, but it could also be a sibling, an in-law, or even a live-in nanny.

Continental Airlines has reached a tentative contract agreement with the union that represents its flight attendants. Although specific terms of the contract will not be released until it has been ratified by the union, the airline says that the contract contains a domestic partner package and extends companion travel to all flight attendants.

Citigroup, Inc. recently announced that it will extend spousal benefits to the same-sex and different-sex partners of employees. Citigroup is number seven among the Fortune 500 companies, and it will be the fourth of the Fortune 500 top 10 companies to offer DP benefits.

Portland Mayor Wants Contractors To Offer DP Benefits
Portland, Oregon and Multnomah County are considering adopting a domestic partnership registry, which would be the second in the state, after Ashland. When the DP registry has been set up, Portland Mayor Vera Katz also wants to require city contractors to extend equal benefits to employees' unmarried domestic partners. San Francisco and Seattle are two cities which already have this type of DP benefits ordinances.

California Companies Cover Partners but Don't Always Offer Insurance
According to a recent study, Californian companies are less likely than those in other states to offer health insurance to their employees (48% of California firms versus 61% nationwide). However, in California 31% of employer-paid plans covered unmarried partners, compared with 18% nationally.

Las Vegas Tries to Define Domestic Partners
A Las Vegas Board of Regents committee tabled efforts to create a written policy on partner and spouse support in hiring. The committee will take up the issue again in April. At issue is whether to loosely define "domestic partner" or to be specific in the definition. The inclusion of different-sex couples or blood relatives could depend on how the issue is decided.