Alternatives to Marriage Update
March 2001

In this issue:
In the Media
Around the Alternatives to Marriage Project
- Seeking Unmarrieds with School-Age Children
- ATMP Welcomes Board Member and Volunteer
- Christianity Survey Coming Soon
Book Buzz: The Conscious Bride
Heaps of Thank Yous
Tidbits
Sizzling Statistics
News From the United States
News From Around the World
Domestic Partner News (U.S.)
Quoteworthy

In the Media

Money Magazine Focuses on Financial Issues for Unmarrieds
In an article about finances for single people, the March issue of Money magazine discusses different situations (singles with and without kids, older and younger singles, and "attached singles") and gives expert advice on each. ATMP founders Marshall Miller and Dorian Solot are featured in the section on attached singles.

Boston Globe Cites ATMP on Proposed Federal Marriage Office
A Boston Sunday Globe article quoted Solot about a Heritage Foundation proposal to create a create a federal office to promote marriage. Solot said she doesn't believe this is an appropriate role for government, commenting, "Marriage works very well for some people, but it's not a one-size-fits-all garment."

ATMP Appears in Other Publications and Radio Shows
An article in Valentine's Day issue of the Hartford Advocate quoted Solot on marriage's less central role in people's lives and represented a variety of opinions on marriage and commitment. Solot was also interviewed on several radio shows, including Brian's Beat in Massachusetts and the Minnesota Public Radio call-in show, Midday.

Around the Alternatives to Marriage Project

Seeking Unmarrieds with School-Age Children
As part of our research to understand unmarried families, we are interviewing unmarried male-female couples who are parenting children ages 5-18. If you or someone you know fits this description and would like to learn more about the interviews, please get in touch with us (../contact.html or 518-462-5600). We always respect interviewees' limits regarding confidentiality.

ATMP Welcomes Board Member and Volunteer
Welcome to the newest member of our board of directors, social worker Woody Glenn! Woody co-founded the Bisexual Resource Center in Boston 11 years ago and is a long-time social justice and family diversity activist.

We are also delighted to have a new volunteer in the ATMP office, John Kilguss. John is retired, has a background in technology and computers, and has taken on tackling some ATMP website and office computer challenges!

Christianity Survey Coming Soon
Are you Christian? ATMP Board member and graduate student Kirsten Isgro is currently surveying Christians about topics such as religion, cohabitation, the family diversity movement, and other related issues. Her survey will be available on the ATMP webpage by mid-March. This survey is different from our more general survey that many of you may have already filled out when you signed onto our webpage. We'll keep you posted so you can participate!

Book Buzz

The Conscious Bride: Women Unveil Their True Feelings About Getting Hitched, by Sheryl Nissinen (New Harbinger Publications, 2000)
Reviewed by Dorian Solot

If you saw the full-page color ads for The Conscious Bride in feminist and progressive magazines, you might have thought it would be a new, balanced look at marriage. You might have expected it to be free from the suffocating layers of white lace that strangle most writing about brides in meaningless cliché.

You would have been wrong. Despite its subtitle's claim to "unveil women's true feelings about getting hitched," The Conscious Bride presents an array of startlingly traditional notions of how women feel about marriage. Every woman in the book wants to get married, and nowhere is there a mention of the possibility that consciousness might lead women to think carefully about whether marriage is right for them.

Trite passages about marriage throughout the book's pages might as well have been lifted directly out of bridal magazines: "There are moments on the wedding day that transcend the human realm, moments where we are transported to a place of light and purity." Educated, successful women talk about impatiently waiting for their boyfriends to ask them to marry them, how they've waited their whole lives to plan their wedding, and how surprised they were to feel suddenly that as a wife, it was now their responsibility to clean the house and make dinner ever night. If this is the *conscious* route into marriage, it's hard to imagine the unconscious path.

What makes Sheryl Nissinen's book radical is that it dares to acknowledge that getting married isn't all doves and party favors. Some of the women are insecure about whether this man is the right one. Some have family conflicts while planning their wedding. And some (gasp) don't have sex on their wedding nights. But rather than taking an honest look at the many angles on bride-dom, both positive and negative, The Conscious Bride is one more addition to the vast genre that upholds weddings as the pinnacle moment in all women's lives.

Heaps of Thank Yous

As a national grassroots non-profit organization, nearly all of ATMP's funding comes from individuals who want to make a difference for unmarried people. Many of you received our recent fundraising letter in the mail. If we don’t have your mailing address we'll be sending you your letter by e-mail. If you believe ATMP's work is important, please send in your tax-deductible donation of whatever amount you can afford. You can send a check to ATMP, P.O. Box 991010, Boston, MA 02199. Or call us (518-462-5600) to charge your donation to your credit card. You can also show your ongoing support for ATMP making a monthly or quarterly credit card gift. Thank you!

Many thanks to those who made recent contributions: Paul Christensen, Carol Dicks and David Harwood, Miriam Greenwald, Rich Kerr, John Kilguss, Michael Leibensperger, Suzanne Miller and Walter vom Saal, Ramona Oswald and Allie Shepko, Ginger Stegall, Cass Tyson, Ralph Warner, Marilyn Welles and Charles Johnson, Bernadette Wright, and an anonymous donor.

Tidbits

Temptation Island Couples Prove Commitment
The popular reality television show Temptation Island has finished its run, and at the show's conclusion all four unmarried couples remained committed to their unmarried relationships. On the show, committed, monogamous unmarried couples were placed on islands where singles in bathing suits attempted to seduce them. According to Salon.com's summary, one couple was removed from the show when it was discovered they were the parents of an infant son. A second returned to their condo together and are still in love. The third have a passionate long-distance relationship. And the fourth became engaged minutes after the filming ended.

Unmarried Chinese Couples Allowed To Share Hotel Rooms
China's hotel industry allowed unmarried couples to book rooms together this Valentine's Day, something usually permitted only for partners with a marriage certificate. "No lies need to be told about being married when couples check in at the hotel tonight-Valentine's Day," a hotel employee told China Daily. Newspapers suggested that the hotels' temporary policy changes were motivated by potential profits.

Naked Malaysian Bathers Arrested While Seeking Husbands
Five women who were arrested in Malaysia for bathing naked on a mountaintop were found to be involved in a religious ceremony to help them find husbands. About 40 people went to a high priest who claimed he could help improve their luck. The high priest and his assistant may be charged for "indulging in deviant teachings," and could be fined or jailed.

Sizzling Statistics

Unmarried Parents Grow in Numbers
The number of babies born to unmarried mothers in the United States reached 33% in 1994 and has stayed at that level since then, according to the annual Kids Count survey. About two-fifths of these unmarried births are the children of unmarried different-sex or same-sex couples. In 1998, the portion of babies born to unmarried parents ranged from 17% in Utah to 45% in Mississippi. Among cities, Hartford, Connecticut had the most unmarried births: 78% of babies there were born to unmarried parents.

One in Five British Young People Won't Marry
A study by researchers at Essex University suggests that one in five young people in Britain will never marry. In Britain in 1973, two-thirds of women in their late 20s were married with children. By 1997, less than a third of British women in their late 20s were married with children, with a massive increase in the number of single women living away from their parents, one-parent families, and cohabiting couples. Nearly a quarter of all children are born to cohabiting couples, compared with 2% twenty years ago.

More Chinese Not Marrying
Increasing numbers of Chinese women are marrying later or choosing to remain unmarried. In Shanghai, the biggest city in China, a survey conducted at the end of 2000 found that there were less than 100,000 marriages in 1997, compared to 120,000 in 1990 and 180,000 in 1980. The survey also found that most of the city's single people are women.
A professor at China University found that based on many surveys, about 70% of men and 50% of women aged 25-29 are unmarried, as well as about 40% and 20% of those aged 30-34. Seventy percent of unmarried people ages 25-39 live with their parents.

News From the United States

Group Urges Creation of Federal Marriage Promotion Office
A recent report by the conservative Heritage Foundation proposes to create a federal office to promote marriage. The Heritage Foundation has urged President Bush to create the office within the Department of Health and Human Services, funding it by reallocating money from welfare, child support, and family planning programs. Wendell Primus of the Center for Budget and Policy Priorities told the National Journal that there's little evidence such an approach would solve social ills. Advocate Sandra Robertson told the same paper it surprised her that conservatives are supporting this kind of social engineering, since they generally want to reduce government's involvement in people's lives.

Washington State Same-Sex Couples Seek Property Rights
Washington uses a "community property" law to divide and allocate the property of unmarried couples who live together for a long time. The state's supreme court recently heard arguments about whether the same law should apply to same-sex couples. The case being considered is that of a gay couple who shared a house and business for 28 years. One partner died without a will, leaving in question whether his partner can inherit his $230,000 estate.
(Don't want your estate left in limbo? Check out the do-it-yourself legal guides for unmarried and gay and lesbian couples at our bookstore .)

Immigration Bill Would Recognize Same-Sex Partners
U.S. Rep. Jerry Nadler of New York reintroduced the Permanent Partners Immigration Act, a bill that would add the term "permanent partner" wherever "spouse" appears in current immigration law. This bill defines "permanent partners" as being of the same sex, meaning that while it would be major step toward fairness for gay, lesbian, and some bisexual couples, it would continue to force different-sex couples to marry. Supporters say it has little chance of passing in the current Republican-led Congress.
ATMP supports amending immigration law to recognize a wider range of relationships and families, but we believe any definitions of "partners" should not discriminate based on sex, gender, or sexual orientation. For more information about unmarried immigration issues, see our Resources page.

Arizona Moves Toward Repeal of Cohabitation and Sodomy Laws
Arizona's House Judiciary Committee voted to repeal the state's archaic laws dealing with cohabitation, sodomy, and "lewd and lascivious" acts, even though several groups testified that they felt it was important to keep the laws on the books. The bill will now move to the House Human Services Committee, which is chaired by a conservative representative.
To find out if cohabitation is illegal in your state, see our Fun Facts page,http://www.unmarried.org/fun.html

Ohio Courts Refuse Couple the Same Last Name
An appeals court has upheld a decision to deny a name change to a lesbian couple, based on the original magistrate's religious beliefs. The case is likely to be decided by the Ohio Supreme Court. The two women, who have been together nine years, wanted to legally change both their names to a name made from letters of each of their present last names, to share a last name with the child one of them was pregnant with at the time. But a judge cited "natural law" and "divine edict" in refusing the name change.

Dog-Maul Victim's Partner May Test Spouse Rights Law
The same-sex partner of the woman killed last month in a fatal dog mauling wants to sue the dog's owners for wrongful death, although no lawsuit of this kind has ever succeeded. Currently, she can't collect damages under California law, which says that only married spouses, children, and parents can sue for wrongful death. A bill introduced in December would allow domestic partners to sue for wrongful death. California's domestic partner registry allows only same-sex couples and senior citizen different-sex couples to register.

New Hamphire Bill Would Allow All Couples To Adopt
New Hampshire Representative Ray Buckley has proposed an adoption bill that would allow unmarried same-sex and different-sex couples to adopt children jointly. Until 1999, New Hampshire did not allow gays and lesbians to adopt children or act as foster parents. The law was repealed to allow gays and lesbians to adopt, but their partners (like the partners of unmarried different-sex couples) have no legal rights or responsibilities for the children they parent together. Many states already allow "second-parent adoption" in these situations.

Tax Change for Cohabiting Couples
On the 2000 income tax forms, the definition of "foster child'' was restricted, a move that will affect some cohabiting couples who apply for the child and earned-income credits. The law now stipulates that in order to be considered a foster child, the child must either be a qualifying relative or have been placed in the home by an authorized placement agency. The impact: Taxpayers who care for the child of their partner may no longer be eligible for credits they've claimed in the past.

Colorado Senate Kills Inheritance Bill by Margin of One
The Colorado Senate voted 18 to 17 to reject a bill that would have allowed "committed partners" to inherit from each other in the absence of a will -- the third time such a proposal has been defeated but the first time any measure favorable to same-sex couples has made it to a floor vote.

News From Around the World

Unmarried Italian Couples Compete for Free Apartment
The mayor of the Italian town of Lastra a Signa believes that since only one in seven Italians cohabit before marriage, the young are missing out on a chance to prepare for the realities of domestic life. He is planning a competition for young unmarried couples; the prize is four months' use of an apartment owned by the town hall so they can live together before marriage. The town hall is divided over this plan and the Roman Catholic church has denounced it.

British Prime Minister Declares Support for Marriage
Prime Minister Tony Blair is to declare his "full support" for the institution of marriage in a calculated rebuff to ministers who fear that such a forthright stance will alienate single mothers and unmarried couples. In a statement to be read out at the start of National Marriage Week, Blair will praise marriage as "the foundation of a strong and stable society". Mr. Blair will also insist that marriage is the best framework within which to raise children, in a further move to distance himself from those within his own party who claim that people's marital status should not be a basis for discrimination.

Malaysian Couples Face Jail for Valentine's Day Cuddling
Forty-four Malaysian Muslim couples will appear in the country's Islamic court after religious officers found them getting too close on Valentine's Day. Patrolling religious officers patrolling found more than 200 couples in various compromising situations, some naked in a parked car or hiding in the ceiling of a hotel room. The couples will be charged with "close proximity" or "khalwat," considered a crime for unmarried Muslim couples. Those charged with "khalwat" face up to two years in jail.

French Babies Might Take Mothers Name in Future
The French National Assembly has given its approval to a bill which would allow babies to take either their mother's or their father's surname. At present, French children can either bear their father's surname or take a double surname with their mother's name followed by the father's. Under the proposed law, any subsequent brothers or sisters would have to have the same surname as the first-born child. If the bill is passed into law it will bring France into line with most other European countries.

Czech Government Intros DP Bill
The Government of the Czech Republic approved a bill to create registered partnerships that would give same-sex couples most of the benefits and responsibilities of marriage. The Czech Chamber of Deputies, which has twice rejected similar bills, will take up the new measure in late August. The Roman Catholic Czech Bishops Conference's council for public affairs announced it would stand aside from what it views as an entirely civil matter.

Russian Passports May Eliminate Marital Status Category
A proposed bill by a group of State Duma deputies would eliminate the mandatory categories on marital status, children, and several others on Russian passports. Most Russians use their passports as their primary personal ID. Under the proposed law passports would retain only basic personal data like name and date of birth. During the Soviet era, couples would have trouble checking in to a hotel without stamps in their passports proving they were husband and wife. Unmarried couples sometimes borrowed passports from married friends so they could travel and rent rooms.

Mexican Group Fights Discrimination
The group Campaign for Cohabitation, which represents some 180 gay and civil activist groups in Mexico is stepping up activity to promote equal rights for same-sex couples. The activists are not seeking marriage or adoption rights for same-sex couples, but want to establish a legal framework for non-traditional unions. They said would go a long way toward protecting same-sex couples against discrimination.

Iran To Police Ski Slopes For Unmarried Socializing
Iran has set up its first mountain police units to patrol the ski slopes and enforce the country's strict Islamic law on separation of the sexes. Skiing resorts close to the capital Tehran have in recent years become a favorite venue for rich young Iranians to meet away from the prying eyes of conservatives.
"The trained police will warn or confront skiers over any immoral act they might witness," a newspaper reported. Since the 1979 Islamic Revolution, unmarried Iranian men and women have been forbidden to socialize in public places.

Domestic Partner News (U.S.)

Southern Methodist University, Ernst & Young, Others to Offer DP Benefits
Southern Methodist University in Dallas, which is owned and operated by The United Methodist Church, will begin offering medical benefits and reduced tuition to the same-sex partners of employees next year. SMU will become the second Texas university to offer DP benefits (Rice University offers them to both same-sex and different-sex domestic partners) and one of only a small number of religious institutions in the country to do so. SMU officials said the policy was needed to attract top-quality faculty and to continue improving the school's academic reputation.
Ernst & Young has become the last of the Big Five accounting firms to announce that it will offer benefits to its employees' domestic partners. In April 1999, KPMG became the first of the Big Five accounting firms to provide the benefits. PricewaterhouseCoopers took a similar step later in the year, as did Deloitte & Touche and Andersen Consulting in 2000.
Other employers that recently announced they would begin offering DP benefits include Cingular Wireless, MBIA Insurance Corporation, Mohegan Sun, and Philip Morris.

University of Colorado Policy Discriminates Against Same-Sex Partners
A professor at the University of Colorado Health Sciences Center thinks Coloradans should realize that university policies allow discrimination based on sexual orientation and deny benefits for same-sex domestic partners. When he assembled a team to work in his lab, a woman who was not an American citizen was granted full benefits for her male unmarried partner, but a man who had lived with his male partner for 12 years was denied his application for domestic partner benefits. Senator John Andrews has threatened to cut funding for the university if the current policy is changed.

Wisconsin Court Upholds Partner Benefits Plan
In yet another blow to scattered efforts across the country to overturn domestic partner benefits plans, a Wisconsin appeals court unanimously upheld a Madison School District policy that provides benefits to "designated family partners" of district employees. The lawsuit was financed partly by the Alliance Defense Fund of Scottsdale, Arizona, a conservative religious organization that has funded similar suits around the country.

Same-Sex DP Bill Introduced for Federal Employees
U.S. Representative Barney Frank has introduced legislation to give the same-sex partners of federal employees the same benefits as married spouses. This is a second attempt for this bill, which would affect retirement, life insurance, health insurance, and workers' compensation benefits.

Colorado DPs Remain Safe from Proposed Ban
Colorado's Senate Judiciary Committee voted along party lines to kill a bill that would have prohibited the use of public funds to extend benefits to the same-sex partners of state employees. Colorado does not currently offer such benefits, although a few of its cities and most of its major private sector employers do.

Berkeley and San Mateo County May Require DP Benefits
The city that was first in the U.S. to extend spousal benefits to the domestic partners of its own employees is moving towards becoming the fourth to require the same of its contractors. Returning to a plan first set in motion in 1999, the Berkeley, California City Council recently voted unanimously to instruct its staff to develop a plan modeled on San Francisco's pioneering Equal Benefits Ordinance. It would require for-profit businesses with city contracts of at least $25,000 and non-profit organizations with contracts of at least $100,000 to extend the same benefits granted employees' legally married spouses to unmarried employees' registered same-sex or different-sex domestic partners. A final vote is expected in April.
The San Mateo County Board of Supervisors gave unanimous approval to a bill thatwould require all firms with county contracts larger than $5,000 to provide benefits for employees' partners registered with the state's domestic partner registry. The Equal Benefits Ordinance, initially presented in November, must receive the board's approval at a second reading later this year before becoming law. San Francisco, Los Angeles and Seattle already require city contractors to provide domestic partner benefits.

Arizona City To Consider DP Benefits
Citing the need to recruit top-notch employees, Scottsdale, Arizona will consider expanding health care coverage to the same-sex partners of city employees. The proposal is scheduled to be debated in May and June. Scottsdale officials considered a similar proposal two years ago, but it quietly died when an task force rejected the plan. A tight labor market and the increased offering of domestic partner benefits by U.S. businesses and local governments encouraged city officials to try again.

Quoteworthy

"High-tech recruiters tell us that 8 out of 10 job candidates always ask a prospective employer whether the company offers domestic partner benefits -- not because they need the benefit, but because it shows that the company is a true meritocracy that supports talented people from all walks of life."
- Fast Company magazine, "Where Are You on the Talent Map?", January 2001