Alternatives to Marriage Update:

November 2000

In this issue:
Around the Alternatives to Marriage Project
Upcoming Events
- Case for Marriage Debate (Washington, D.C.)
- Creating Change 2000 (National Gay and Lesbian Task Force)
- New Children's Film Celebrates Diverse Families
- Host an Alternatives to Marriage Workshop
In the Media
Book Buzz: Wedding Bell Blues
Tidbits
Sizzling Statistics
Heartfelt Thanks
News From the United States
News From Around the World
Domestic Partner News (U.S.)

Around the Alternatives to Marriage Project

Therapists Voice Support for All Families, Married and Unmarried

At the recent conference of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists, thousands of therapists repeatedly applauded the Alternatives to Marriage Project's (ATMP) perspective on family diversity. ATMP co-founder Marshall Miller spoke on a plenary panel called "Till Death Do Us Part? Family Therapy and the Marriage Movement" along with Maggie Gallagher, Lorraine Blackman, Howard Markman, and moderator Karen Peterson of USA Today. Many in attendance approached Miller after the panel to say how much they appreciated hearing a perspective that is inclusive of all families, not just married ones.

Researchers Gather to Discuss Cohabitation

Researchers who study cohabitation recently met for a symposium on the subject where they shared new research and discussed how public policy relates to cohabitation. ATMP executive director Dorian Solot attended the symposium and found many attendees interested in the organization's work. Based on the research presented, many attendees concluded that laws and policies should be updated to recognize the growing percentage of families that are unmarried. Some experts spoke about the need for grassroots organizing from cohabitors in order to bring legislative change. The Alternatives to Marriage Project hopes to facilitate more organizing as it grows -- let us know if this is an area that interests you.

Unmarried People Share Their Stories

One of the biggest challenges we face as unmarried people is a shortage of stories -- narratives that ground us, give us a sense of history and community, put our lives in context. We're all surrounded by fairytales, movies, books, and sitcoms whose characters share the same goal: to get married and live "happily ever after." Yet for some of us, marriage isn't our goal, or simply isn't an option for us right now. In response to numerous requests for a place to share stories, we've created a Stories page on our website.

The Stories page now has its first five stories, ranging from a 19 year old couple who feel they're too young to marry, to an Australian woman forced to marry her American partner in order to be able to live together. To read the stories, go to http://www.unmarried.org/storiestold.html . If you'd like to post your story so others can read it (you can use your name or request that it be posted anonymously), use the submission form at http://www.unmarried.org/stories.html .

Presidential Candidate Signs Affirmation of Family Diversity

We sent invitations to sign our Affirmation of Family Diversity to four Presidential candidates, asking them to show their support for all relationships and families, not just married ones. Socialist Party candidate David McReynolds added his name; candidates George W. Bush, Al Gore, and Ralph Nader did not respond.

If you'd like to read the Affirmation and join with the 450 experts, authors, therapists, community leaders, religious leaders, and citizens who have already signed it, go to http://www.unmarried.org/family.html .

Volunteer in the ATMP Office

The Alternatives to Marriage Project is seeking volunteers to help with data entry and other administrative tasks in our Boston-area office. We're hoping to find people who could volunteer a few hours a week working on our computer. We can teach you everything you need to know. To learn more about becoming part of the ATMP team, contact usor (781) 793-0296.

Upcoming Events

Case for Marriage Debate

November 16, Washington, D.C., National Press Club

Marshall Miller of ATMP and Maggie Gallagher, co-author of the book The Case for Marriage, will speak at "I Do! I Don't! Debating the Case for Marriage," an event sponsored by the Independent Women's Forum. The debate is free and open to the public, and will take place from noon to 1 p.m. at the National Press Club, 14th and F Streets, NW.

Creating Change (Conference of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force)

November 9 - 13, Atlanta, GA

Among hundreds of other workshops for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered activists and heterosexual allies, Marshall Miller will speak on a panel called "Family Secrets: We're Not All Gay and We Don't All Have Kids" to explore how the movement for social and legal recognition of all families can better address the needs of often-overlooked kinds of families. Marshall will discuss the experiences of people in unmarried same-sex and different-sex relationships and explore coalition-building among individuals and organizations that support families. The conference will also have an Alternatives to Marriage Project caucus -- come say hello! For more information about the conference, go to http://www.creatingchange.org .

New Children's Film Celebrates Diverse Families

The new film for kids That's a Family!, will be screened in cities around the country. The film, made by the Academy Award-winning makers of It's Elementary, features children introducing their diverse families, including kids whose parents are divorced, those with single, gay, or lesbian parents, those who were adopted, and those in multi-racial families. Benefit premieres are planned in New York and Boston, and screenings are also planned in Chicago, Dallas, San Francisco, Baltimore, Atlanta, Kissimmee, Florida, and Long Beach, California. For more information about the film, go to http://www.womedia.org/new/respect.html .

Host an Alternatives to Marriage Workshop

After attending our workshop last month, Rochelle Marie Myers posted to our online list, ATMP-Talk, "If you ever get a chance to hear Dorian and Marshall speak or present a workshop, I highly recommend it. Their workshop "Happiness Without Wedding Bells: Exploring Alternatives to Marriage" was absolutely the highlight of the Tri-State Bi Conference I attended this weekend [in New York City]. While I felt I'd already reached a learning curve (thanks partly to this list) on unmarried issues, I did learn a few new tricks, and I had a good time and met some interesting people besides." Thanks, Rochelle -- we're glad you enjoyed the workshop!

Anyone can organize a workshop, speaker, or panel on alternatives to marriage for your group, conference, or class -- we'd be delighted to help you. Contact us or (781) 793-0296 to discuss the possibilities.

In the Media

Boston News Features ATMP and Marriage Advocate

Boston's CBS News aired a feature story on the national debate about marriage. The item featured National Marriage Project co-director Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and Alternatives to Marriage Project founders Miller and Solot.

The Observer (UK) Quotes ATMP on Marriage Book

An article in the British newspaper The Observer discussed the new book The Case for Marriage and did a good job of explaining why the alleged case for marriage isn't always so simple. The article quotes Solot about the research in the book: "These are all averages, and you can't always make your personal life decisions based on statistics. If we as a society really cared about people's health, then the answer is not to urge everyone to get married but to try to support people, whatever their needs are."

ATMP Comments on University of Vermont Decision

The New England newspaper In Newsweekly printed a guest commentary by Miller and Solot about the University of Vermont's new requirement that employees with same-sex partners must register for civil unions if they want to continue to be eligible for domestic partner benefits. The column pointed out that UVM's domestic partner benefit policy is short-sighted, since it views benefits as a temporary solution to the lack of same-sex marriage rights rather than a way to recognize the family diversity of its employees.

Thousands Learn of ATMP Through MSN.com Website

For about 12 hours on the night of October 2-3, the homepage of MSN.com displayed the question, "Does shacking up lead to breaking up?," with a link to the advice column of Dr. Joy Davidson for the answer. Davidson quoted ATMP Executive Director Dorian Solot in her answer and linked to ATMP, explaining that that the primary reason cohabiting couples are more likely to divorce if they get married is because on average, cohabitors tend to be less religious and more accepting of divorce. The response was enormous: thousands of people visited the ATMP website in a period of hours, and hundreds filled out our survey or keep in touch form and signed our Affirmation of Family Diversity. Welcome, MSN.com readers!

Utne Reader Prints Letter to the Editor

The November/December issue of the Utne Reader included a letter from Solot and Miller in response to the Utne's article about lesbians marrying men. The letter talked about the paradigm shift that is underway in which people of all sexual orientations are questioning whether marriage is right for them, and said, "If we would revise outdated laws and policies that use marriage as central to the definition of 'family,' we would be much closer achieving equality that extends across categories of sexual orientation and marital status."

Book Buzz

Wedding Bell Blues, by Michael Barson and Steven Heller (Chronicle Books, 2000)

Review by Chris de Beer, ATMP Intern

In Wedding Bell Blues, Michael Barson and Steven Heller pulled juicy bits of Hollywood gossip columns, compiled lists of old marriage clichés, unearthed self help guides from as far back as1920, and threw in a smattering of popular wedding song lyrics to create a pastiche of popular culture views on marriage since 1900. The book relies heavily on the United States' obsession with Hollywood romance; over a third of the pages focus on which Hollywood couples got hitched and how long they stayed together. Although it contains a plethora of pop-culture tidbits on marriage, Wedding Bell Blues fails to seriously examine how marriage or popular representations thereof have affected how people look at relationships.

The authors did manage to dredge up some interesting quotes from the past, especially from old books authored by that generation's marriage "experts." My personal favorite comes from Nature's Secrets Revealed: Scientific Knowledge of the Laws of Sex Life and Heredity, or Eugenics, written by Professor T.W. Shannon, A.M., in 1914: "The best mothers, wives, and managers of household know little or nothing of the sexual pleasure. Love of home, children and domestic duties are the only passions they feel. As a rule, the modest woman submits to her husband, but only to please him; and, but for the desire of maternity, would far rather be relieved of his attentions." Can't you just imagine Professor Shannon on Oprah?

The book's major flaw is that the authors never give you their interpretation of or context for the material they present. The only time Barson and Heller insert their own voices is to throw in tired one-liners about their respective marriages. Wedding Bell Blues certainly is not a well-researched treatise on the shifting perceptions of marriage, but if you are looking for a light read with some fun trivia, go ahead and pick it up.

(If you've read a book that you think might interest others who like to ponder marriage and non-marriage, we invite you to write a couple of paragraphs about it for this section of our newsletter!)

Tidbits

Cohabitation Fosters Equality?

An Australian researcher has found that heterosexual couples who live together before marriage are more likely to have egalitarian arrangements for household chores than those who wait to live together until after marriage. The study examined 1400 couples.

Gloria Steinem Wedding Gossip

Last month feminist Gloria Steinem surprised the world by getting married, despite negative comments about marriage earlier in her life. According to the Boston Globe, Steinem wore a white shirt and blue jeans at her wedding. She and her husband were married at sunrise at the home of a friend in Oklahoma. The word "partners" was used instead of "man and wife" in the ceremony.

Sizzling Statistics

Presidential Election Marriage Gap

According to Washington Post surveys, 51 percent of married voters plan to vote for Bush, compared to 35 percent of unmarried voters. At the same time, barely four in 10 married voters support Gore

Cohabitation Rises, Marriage Falls in UK

According to the Office of National Statistics, the number of women ages 18 to 49 cohabiting in Great Britain has risen from 8% in 1979 to 31%in 1998. In 1977, the rate of first-time marriages among women was 49.8 out of every 1,000. By 1998, the figure had dwindled to 26.3. About a third of babies in the UK are born to unmarried parents.

The trends are expected to continue. A new report called The Family predicts that by 2011, 39% of men and 31% of women in Britain will never marry, and that the number of cohabitors will double in the next twenty years. Within the next decade the majority of babies will be born to unmarried parents.

Jewish People Increasingly Unmarried

About one in five Jewish people is unmarried and the numbers are rising. In California in 1997, 87% of Jewish people ages 18-29 were not married. In Israel, a 1996 survey reported that, 50% of Jewish men and 29% of women were unmarried, both up 6% from a survey three years earlier.

Heartfelt Thanks

Many of you have made generous donations to the Alternatives to Marriage Project. Thanks so much to Caera Aislingeach, Bettykay, Rodney Choate, Dan Church, Drew Curtis, Jim & Bonny Dattolo, Joy Davidson, Martha Ehrenfeld, Paula Ettelbrick, Ulla Figwer & David Goss, Chris Fariello, Ulla Figwer and Dave Goss, Brian Fox, Roger Lake, Kara Lewis, Jeffrey Marker, Maureen Marovitch, James Miller, Suzanne Miller, Mike Mirarchi and Melaina Governatore, Elizabeth Parkhurst, Barbara Solot, Evan and Vicki Solot, Goldie & Les Solot, Riley Smith, Tina Tessina, Kathy Winters-Dreisbach and several anonymous donors.

If you haven't made a donation recently, please consider sending your gift to help us embrace the challenge of how to support married AND unmarried relationships and families. You can send a check to ATMP, P.O. Box 991010, Boston, MA 02199. Or call us (781-793-0296) to charge your donation to your credit card. You can show your ongoing support for ATMP making a one-time, monthly, or quarterly credit card gift.

As a grassroots organization, the work we do is made possible by the support of individuals like you. Thanks!

News From the United States

Thanks to Petra Beierschmitt for compiling the news in this issue!, If you'd like to learn about becoming a volunteer news compiler for a future issue of the Update (it can be done by e-mail from any location), contactl us.

Same-Gender Couple Marries in Florida

A Florida male-to-female transsexual has delayed changing her paperwork in order to legally marry her female partner. Bonnie Earle and Donna Schwartz married each other legally in Daytona Beach, Florida on October 15, the Miami Herald reported. In 1997 Florida enacted a law specifically to deny legal recognition to same-sex marriages, but the law does not apply to this marriage since legally, Schwartz is still considered male. Now that the marriage is contracted, she'll change her name and New York birth certificate to reflect her self-identified gender.

Couple Marries on New Fox Show

On "Surprise Wedding," a two-hour special that aired this week, five unsuspecting men in long-term relationships were shocked when their girlfriends appeared in wedding gowns and proposed to them on national TV. The men were lured to the show cameras under the pretense that his girlfriend was participating in a "millennial make-over. " Once on stage, the unsuspecting male is confronted by his would-be wife dressed in a bridal gown, and the host of the show, who says, "Welcome to your wedding." Only one of the show's five couples followed up their TV ceremony by signing paperwork that makes their union legally binding.

News From Around the World

Couples in Iran Wed Temporarily to Have Sex

In order to get around Iran's strict laws regulating the sexual behavior of unmarried different-sex couples (including intercourse, holding hands, and dating), many young people are choosing sigheh, or temporary marriage. Permanent marriage in Iran is very expensive, and this fact coupled with the high rate of unemployment makes these temporary marriages an attractive option for many young Iranians. Sigheh is seen by some feminists and clergy as a possible solution for some of the issues plaguing Iran's younger generation.

British Group Calls for Rights for Unmarrieds

The Law Society and Stonewall, a British gay and lesbian lobby group, called for reforms to give to 1.6 million cohabitors rights similar to those accorded to married couples. The Law Society wants to end discrimination in the areas of pensions, inheritance tax, and housing succession, and to make cohabitation contracts legally enforceable so couples can be protected if they separate. The group pointed out that Britain's treatment of unmarried same-sex and different-sex couples had fallen behind France, Queensland, Australia (which passed a law last year giving cohabitors rights) and Scotland, which will be introducing such a law soon.

Japanese Married Couples Are Sleeping Apart

Sexless marriages are becoming so common in Japan that building firms are putting up houses with separate bedrooms for newlyweds. A psychiatrist coined the term sekusuresu, or sexless marriage. Now nearly a third of houses put up by building firm Mitsui Home are designed to incorporate separate main bedrooms. Couples say they prefer the setup because the husband is having an affair, the wife does not want the husband to see her without make-up, or the wife doesn't want the husband to touch her.

Couple Says Catholic Agency Should Bar Unmarried Adoptions

A British couple are calling for a Catholic adoption agency to drop the word "Catholic" from its title after discovering the organization would consider placing children with unmarried couples. The agency stressed that it has never placed a child with an unmarried couple, but that it would be in breach of its own guidelines if it did not consider all would-be adopters. The agency's director said, "The best interests of the child can be met by a variety of families. All applicants are welcomed and will be looked at on their merits."

Singapore Bank Reduces Work Hours To Boost Birth Rate

Singapore's biggest bank, DBS Group Holdings, plans to reduce its staff's working week by half a day as its contribution to tackling the city-state's low birth rate. The Prime Minister describes the high number of unmarried women and the small families of those who are married as "grave problems." He has offered a number of incentives for couples to have children, including a baby bonus, and employers have been encouraged to be more flexible with work hours to give couples more leisure time.

British Government to Sponsor Marital Advice Book

A British government-sponsored guide to the perfect marriage will be given to every couple planning a wedding. The controversial new book, which will include advice on what to wear and information that marriage can make you healthier, will be part of the government's drive to promote marriage over other forms of family life. Plans for the book have been condemned by single-parent organizations and by Labor Party Members of Parliament.

 Domestic Partner News (U.S.)

New Report Issued on DPs for State Employees

A new fact sheet from the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force reports that the eight state governments offering domestic partner benefits to their employees are among the largest individual employers to do so. Of the eight states offering benefits (CA, CT, DE, NY, MA, OR, VT, WA), six offer health benefits, while the other two provide only bereavement leave and/or family sick leave. Five of the states make both same-sex and different-sex domestic partners eligible (DE, MA, NY, OR, VT). To read the full report, which includes details about each state's policy, go to http://www.ngltf.org/pi/dpbstate.htm .

Orange County Upholds DP Benefits

Despite increasing pressure from clergy and gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender rights opponents, the Orange County, California Board of Supervisors refused to back down from granting insurance benefits for the same-sex and different-sex partners of county employees. Many on the council feel that in order to attract the best job candidates for county positions, it is necessary to have a benefits package that includes domestic partners.

Minneapolis Council Approves Domestic Partners Effort

The Minneapolis City Council voted unanimously to ask the state to allow cities to offer health-care benefits for employees' domestic partners. The city has not yet decided how it will define domestic partners, and whether benefits for dependent relatives like elderly parents or siblings will be included. . The overwhelming support for domestic-partner benefits isn't new for the council, but Gov. Jesse Ventura rejuvenated the effort by pledging last month to pursue a clarification of state law to allow the benefits for state employees.

Albuquerque School Refuses DP Benefits

The domestic partners of faculty and staff at Albuquerque Technical Vocational Institute won't get insurance coverage, a state board has decided in a 5-2 vote. Because the school prohibits discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, some expect there will be a legal challenge.

Michigan Newspaper, Other Employers To Offer DPs

Six of the eight Booth newspapers in Michigan will offer benefits to partners of employees in same-sex relationships. Each Booth newspaper had the option of offering the benefits. More than 650 U.S. media outlets offer partner benefits to same-sex couples, according to the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association.

Other employers that recently announced they will begin to offer domestic partner benefits include the Gillette Company (Boston-based employees only), Tulane University, Dell Computer Corporation, SBC Communications, First Union Corporation, Claremont, California, Delta Airlines.

Cambridge, MA DP Benefits Struck Down

A Massachusetts Superior Court judge struck down the city of Cambridge ordinance that gave workers with same-sex partners the same health insurance and benefits as married counterparts. The judge ordered the city to stop paying for those benefits as of Jan. 31, 2001, saying that the ordinance went beyond what is allowed under state law. Cambridge was the first city in the state -- and the 19th in the country -- to adopt a domestic partnership ordinance. For a list of municipalities that offer their employees domestic partner benefits, go to http://www.hrc.org/worknet/asp_search/detail_search.asp .

University of Arizona President Favors DP Benefits

The University of Arizona's president said he believes employees with same-sex partners should be able to include their partners on their health benefits plan. However, whether the University of Arizona - Tucson's largest employer - can extend health insurance to same-sex couples is unanswered because the state runs the benefits program. A campus task force is looking at how other institutions handle domestic partner benefits.

Group Tries to Overturn Washington State DP Benefits

An organization called the Marriage Benefits Defense Initiative wants to repeal domestic partner benefits for Washington state public employees. The drive is being led by fundamentalist Christian and anti-pornography activist Andrea Vangor. who wants to reverse the Public Employees Benefits Board's decision last May to extend insurance benefits to the same-sex and different-sex domestic partners of public employees. The group will need 200,000 valid signatures by the end of December to put the initiative before the Legislature in the 2001 session.

Journalist Groups Support Domestic Partner Benefits

The National Association of Hispanic Journalists and the Society of Professional Journalists passed resolutions during their annual conventions calling for news organizations to provide domestic partner benefits to their employees. "We passed this resolution because we take diversity in the workplace and the issue of equal pay for equal work very seriously," said NAHJ President Cecilia Alvear. "We believe that employers should demonstrate their commitment to this principle."