In this issue:
Around the Alternatives to Marriage Project
    1) Tell the Government Marriage Isn't a Solution to Poverty
    2) Boston ATMPers Party, Raise Funds
    3) New Gay and Lesbian Legal Guide in Stock Now
In the Media
Book Buzz: Questions Before "I Do": Five Books
Heaps of Thank You's
Community Announcement
Tidbits
Sizzling Statistics
News From the United States
News From Around the World
Domestic Partner News (U.S.)
Quoteworthy

Around the Alternatives to Marriage Project

1) Tell the Feds Marriage Isn't Solution to Poverty
The Department of Health and Human Services is currently seeking public comment as its re-evaluates the welfare laws that make up Temporary Assistance to Needy Families Program (TANF). This is a chance to explain to government officials the dangers of programs that promote or reward marriage. Such programs risk punishing unmarried people and their families, penalizing people who can't marry (such as same-sex couples), trapping victims of domestic violence, and disregarding all Americans' right to form their families in a way that works best for them. Comments should be about your own experiences with TANF either as a recipient, former recipient, service provider, advocate or policy expert, and must be submitted by November 30, 2001. You can read more and submit comments online.

2) Boston ATMPers Party, Raise Funds
The Alternatives to Marriage Project's Boston houseparty at the home of Roland and Carol Glenn was a decided success! Dozens of local ATMP supporters nibbled, chatted, shared with the group what inspired them about ATMP, and made generous contributions in support of social justice for unmarried people. Let ATMP be your excuse to throw a party! It can be a small dinner party, an elegant cocktail party, a wild dance party, or anything else. You invite the guests (we can help you with invitations if you want), let them know your event will benefit ATMP, and put your hosting skills to work. The event is a regular party, with a brief section where you tell your friends a little about all the great work this organization does and encourage them to make a donation of whatever they can afford (we can help you with this section, too). Everyone wins: your friends get a great party and learn about a cool group, while ATMP receives contributions that make our work possible. Contact us to discuss the possibilities!

3) New Gay and Lesbian Legal Guide in Stock
Now Our shipment of the brand new 2001 edition of the Legal Guide for Lesbian and Gay Couples has just arrived! Nolo's self-help legal guides are the best we've seen -- we sell them because we think they're important, and many people had trouble finding them in bookstores. This 10th edition includes chapters on parenting, medical and financial matters, buying a home together, wills and estate planning, and other issues. Nolo also publishes Living Together, a guide covering the same issues for different-sex unmarried couples. Both books can be purchased online . They make great holiday gifts for the unmarried couples you love!

In the Media

Utne Reader Quotes This Newsletter!
The November/December issue of the Utne Reader cites the Alternatives to Marriage Update in a news blurb about a gay couple who where one partner adopted the other since they couldn't get married. We originally reported the item in our June issue. Experts say adoption is not a good substitute for marriage for many reasons, including the fact that divorce is not an option.

Six Florida ATMPers Featured
Three sets of ATMPers -- Kelly Wade and Tim Arnel, Karen Hamilton and Alex Procho, and Linda Tablada and Abel Rodriguez -- brought to life an article in the South Florida Sun-Sentinel about couples who choose notto marry. The three couples have varied perspectives (Wade and Arnel chose to have a child together without marrying, for example while Tablada's 6 year old daughter from a previous marriage does not know her mother is unmarried), but all seem to agree that what makes relationships thrive or fail is not legal marital status.

Paper Explores DP Benefits for Non-Gays
Executive Director Dorian Solot was quoted in an article on domestic partner benefits in the East Bay Business Times. Solot pointed out that although these benefits are often discussed solely as a "gay issue," 90% of employers offering them make them available to different-sex couples as well as same-sex ones. She said, " The most important reason to offer [them] to both same-sex and opposite-sex couples is that it's a matter of equal pay for equal work. The gender of people involved shouldn't matter."

Early Childhood Educators Integrate Support for Diverse Families
In its issue on families, the New York State Association for the Education of Young Children newsletter quoted a long excerpt of our Affirmation of Family Diversity and encouraged readers to add their names. The article challenged early childhood educators to consider ways to be inclusive of the diverse families with whom they work. You can read some of these articles:
"Many couples aren't tying the knot," South Florida Sun-Sentinel
"'Other' domestic partners feel shut out," East Bay Business Times

Book Buzz

Questions Before "I Do": Five Books

2002 Questions and Answers for Lovers: Fun, Romantic, and Revealing, by Cyndi Haynes and Dale Edwards (Adams Media Corporation, 2000)

Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This: The Book of Questions for Couples, by Corey Donaldson (Three Rivers Press, 2001)

The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions To Ask Before You Say "I Do", by Susan Piver (Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam, 2000)

How Can I Be Sure? Questions To Ask Before You Get Married, by Bob Phillips (Harvest House Publishers, 1999)

The Marital Compatibility Test: Hundreds of Questions for Couples to Answer Together, by Susan Adams (Addicus Books, 2000)

Reviewed by Marshall Miller

It's time for an evening with "the book." You cuddle up with your partner on the sofa, turn to him or her, flip open a page, and read, "What does my family do that annoys you?" Or perhaps you land on a different page and ask, "Are you involved in any criminal activities right now?" Welcome to the genre of books of questions to ask before getting married. They are based on the idea that if you're going to get married (or, perhaps, make the decision to live together), it's better to talk now and know each other well than be surprised later. The questions could just as easily apply to unmarrieds who want to get to know each other all over again. Of the five books surveyed, Corey Donaldson's is the best, particularly given that his 500 question list was created by asking 1,500 people, "If you could only ask one question of your partner before you got married, what would it be?" The resulting list is insightful as well as downright amusing.

It's great to have a book as an excuse to pepper your partner with questions ranging from, "Have you ever been in a porn film?" to "What is your deepest, darkest secret?" Susan Adams has a different take, focusing instead on some of the smaller, but perhaps even more aggravating details of life. There is, of course, that pesky toilet seat, but also whether you and your partner agree on the use of a bath mat (important/unimportant/a hassle) or on whether "fruits and vegetables are appropriate sexual aids" (true/false). Susan Piver's and Cyndi Haynes' pocket-sized books are accessible but a bit shallow; and Bob Phillips writes from a Christian perspective. Overall, it's worth giving at least one of these books a try, whether you're planning to marry or not, because there's no harmin asking, right? [For another perspective, see our article, "Ten Ways To Improve Your Chances for a Good Marriage After Cohabitation,".]

Heaps of Thank You's

As a grassroots organization, ATMP's work is done by countless volunteers around the country.

Thanks to John Kilguss for his months of work processing the surveys that people fill out every day on our website, and for his assistance every other month helping mail the paper version of the Alternatives to Marriage Update to those who don't have email access.

A wonderful group of volunteers at Franklin Skilled Nursing and Rehabilitation, coordinated by Linda Bonneau, also help with each paper Update mailing. Thank you to computer whiz Glenn Strauss for donating his time to set up a system that automatically processes the survey data, saving other volunteers hundreds of hours of work a year!

Many thanks to Piti Itharat, who now maintains our Stories page, where people who visit the website can share their experiences (and their photos, if they want).

Continuing thank you's to Wendy Layton, last summer's intern, who has returned to Smith College but generously continues to prepare each month's online Update to be posted.

Thank you to the "many hands make light work" mailing party crew who helped prepare our fundraising letter: Pete Chvany, LouAnn Cossette, Mark Dulcey, Martha Ehrenfeld, Mark Fang, Woody Glenn, Pepper Greene, Alan Hamilton, John Kilguss, John Lapham, Rev. David Olson, Sarah Rowley, Nick Willis, and Laura and the two Andrews from Boston University.

And finally, thank you to the host committee for last month's fundraising houseparty in Boston: David Abbott, Johanna Bates & Colin Mitchell, Linda Blair, Nicholas Danforth, Martha Ehrenfeld & Lauren Wedam, Roland & Carol Glenn, Woody Glenn, Alan Hamilton, Pepper Greene, & Pete Chvany, Buzz Harris, Karl Heinemann & Beverly Slayton, John Lapham, Emma Lathan, Victoria Medaglia and Paul Holland, Robyn Ochs & Peg Preble, Jeremy Pittman, Sarah Rowley, Ellyn Ruthstrom, Anne Slepian & Christopher Mogil, and Pam Williams.

Community Announcement

Alternative Families Organization Announces Positions

Alternative Family Matters, a Boston-based organization addressing lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered family issues, is seeking two part-time employees. One is a Social Worker/Counselor for the LGBT Aunts and Uncles Program; the other is a Conception Connection Computer Commander. To learn more about the organization go to Alternative Families. To request more detailed information about the openings, contact Jenifer Firestone at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it or (617) 576-6788.

Tidbits

Never-Married Women Healthier in Old Age
According to The Scotsman, a long-term study of 15,000 middle-aged men and women found that women who had never married and never given birth had the best chance for good health in their later years. At the thirty-year followup point, Professor Mary Gilhooly of the University of Paisley she found most of the unmarried women did not fit the spinster stereotype, but that "they were dynamic and leading interesting lives with very strong social circles."

British Wives Offered 'Divorce Loan'
A London firm of solicitors and a private bank have created a loan for women who are unable to divorce because of the costs involved. The loan is being offered by the Alternative Matrimonial and Litigation Funding Ideas.

People Magazine Notes Single Moms Accepted
An article in People Magazine pointed out that the recent plotline of the popular TV show "Friends," in which a pregnant Rachel turns down Joey's offer of marriage, did not provoke an outcry. The magazine compared the episode with Dan Quayle's outrage when Murphy Brown had a baby without a husband nine years ago. On "Friends," Rachel said, "I'm not looking for a husband."

Sizzling Statistics

Thanks to Lisa Parkinson for her help compiling the news, statistics, and tidbits in this issue!

Mississippi, South Carolina, Louisiana Lead in Unmarried Moms
One in three never-married women in South Carolina has children, moving the state to second in the nation, new census figures show. In 1990 21% of never-married women had a child; this has risen to 33%. South Carolina follows only Mississippi in the rankings. The other top five states, in order, are Louisiana, the District of Columbia, and New Mexico.

Marriage and Non-Marriage in Scotland
A study of 30,000 Scottish households found that just over a fifth of adults have never married, and 6% are cohabiting (compared with 2% in the U.S.). Fifty-six percent of adults are married (compared with 52% in the U.S.), and 20% of households with children contain unmarried parents. Young British See Marriage as Optional A survey of nearly 2,000 people youth ages 11 to 16 found that many see marriage as a "choice rather than a must." The most popular option was the prospect of living with a partner with the possibility of marriage, with some young British women feeling there was no point in getting married at all. Many want to wait until they are older to marry.

News From the United States

Pataki Offers Limited Help to Sept. 11th Unmarried Partners
Governor George Pataki issued an executive order that same-sex and different-sex partners of people killed by terrorists should qualify for Crime Victims Board benefits equal to those of married couples. However, the order does not allow unmarried partners to claim state workers' compensation benefits, federal benefits such as social security survivor's benefits, or victim's assistance program benefits.

North Carolina Cohabitor Loses Child Custody
A judge found a North Carolina man guilty of a rarely enforced 1805 law against cohabitation, but acquitted his former live-in partner of the same charge. The woman was seeking custody of her two daughters (she was separated from her husband), but the judge, an ordained Methodist minister, used the law to justify giving custody to her husband. She was not punished because there was no evidence she had had sex with her cohabiting partner; the partner was ordered to pay court costs of $90. Although cohabitation laws are rarely enforced, they are occasionally invoked when people are involved with the legal system for a different reason (in this case, seeking custody of children). A list of states where cohabitation is illegal.

West Virginia Considers Eliminating Marriage Bonus
West Virginia is considering eliminating the $100 per month incentive that welfare recipients there can get for being married. The state is predicted to run a $90 million deficit by 2003. The director of the Office of Family Support said, "The field staff doesn't believe it works. They don't think people are rushing out and getting married for $100 per month." West Virginia is the only state to offer a marriage incentive for welfare recipients. The Alternatives to Marriage Project strongly opposes financial incentives for marriage, because they often punish those who can't or choose not to marry, as well as encouraging people to stay in abusive marriages.

Pennsylvania Considers Legal Recognition of Partner-Child Relationship
A provision in a proposed Pennsylvania adoption law would allow a child to be adopted by a parent's unmarried partner, regardless of that person's gender, if the other parent's custody rights have been terminated. Senator Stewart Greenleaf, who sponsored the bill said "We begin the process ... to achieve an adoption law that serves children in need of stable, loving homes." The Alternatives to Marriage Project believes that legal protections for unmarried families are an important part of helping these families stay strong and stable. We believe that in some situations both children and parents would benefit from the kind of adoption reform proposed in Pennsylvania.

News From Around the World

British Bill Would Provide Rights for Partners
A proposed British law, Relationships (Civil Registration) Bill, could allow local authorities to formally register unmarried couples, giving them rights similar to married couples. The Law Society supports the move. The bill was approved by 179 votes to 59, but according to the BBC, due to a lack of parliamentary time it is unlikely to become law.

Unmarrieds Should Have Right to Adopt, says British Agency
A British adoption group says that same-sex and different-sex couples who live together in stable relationships should be given the same rights to adopt children jointly as married couples have, an adoption group said. A growing number of legislators are backing the British Agencies for Adoption and Fostering campaign, and a poll found 68% of adults in support. Experts say the current adoption barriers are silly at a time when 40% of British children are born to unmarried parents. In the U.S., laws and policies about unmarried partners and adoption vary from state to state and agency to agency. However, in most places it is possible for single parents and unmarried same-sex and different-sex couples to adopt.

Chile Could Lift Ban on Divorce
Chile is one of the few countries in the world that still bans divorce and over the past 90 years, 12 attempts to end the ban have failed. However, in 1997 Congress passed a law to permit divorce. The law must still be approved by the Senate, and the outcome will hang on one or two votes. Indonesian Couple Held for Selling Fake Marriage Certificates Immigration officers detained an Indonesian couple involved in producing and selling fake Indonesian marriage certificates. Seventeen certificates were found in a chicken coop behind the house where the officers had trapped the couple. Initial investigations revealed the certificates were used by immigrants to "register" marriages to avoid being caught for committing khalwat (close proximity).

Turkey May Increase Rights for Women & Unmarried
Vying for membership of the European Union, Turkey is revising its 75-year-old civil code. Among many proposed changes, draft language in the new code would give women the right to help make decisions about children and her home, and to decide to work without her husband's consent. It would grant the children of unmarried parents the same inheritance rights as others, and give single people the right to adopt.

Same Sex Couples Given Equal Rights in Victoria, Canada
The language in 43 Victorian acts of parliament has been updated to be inclusive of same-sex couples. Parliament moved to amend language in 14 acts in accordance with the government's anti-discrimination legislation, bringing the total of amended acts to 43. The legislation adopted the terms "spouse," "domestic partner," and "partner."

Domestic Partner News (U.S.)

Procter & Gamble, Raytheon, Fremont Police, Others Add DP Benefits
Procter and Gamble has announced it will offer domestic partner benefits to the same-sex partners of its employees. The policy is an expansion of an earlier decision to provide benefits to household dependents beyond spouses, such as grandparents and grandchildren. Raytheon, the nation's third largest defense contractor, announced that it will extend health insurance and other benefits to the same-sex domestic partners of its employees. The benefits will include medical, vision, dental and life insurance, family, medical and bereavement leave, retirement and survivorship benefits, long-term care insurance and dependent child scholarships. Fremont, California is making optional medical benefits for domestic partners available to police officers. The state has been offering domestic partner benefits for state employees and public agencies for approximately three years. Other employers that have recently begun to offer DP benefits, according to the Human Rights Campaign: Applera Corporation, East Hartford Board of Education, Family Services of King County, Kramer Levin Naftalis & Frankel LLP, Litchfield Board of Education, Metropolitan Life Insurance, Metropolitan Opera Association, Port of Oakland, Project Renewal, Raytheon, Regional School District #19 Board of Education, and UnumProvident Corporation.

Davis Signs Domestic Partner Bill
California Governor Gray Davis signed legislation providing about a dozen rights that married couples receive to registered same-sex and senior citizen different-sex domestic partners in California. The bill lets partners who register make medical decisions for their incapacitated partners, sue for wrongful death, adopt a partner's child and will property to a partner. More information about domestic partner registries and a link to California's registry.

Atlanta May Require City Contractors to Offer Domestic Partner Benefits
The Atlanta City Council is considering a measure that would require private employers seeking contracts with the city to provide domestic partner benefits. San Francisco was the first city to approve such an ordinance, which went into effect in 1997. Since then, Seattle, Los Angeles, Berkeley, California, Tumwater, Washington, and San Mateo County, California, have enacted similar measures.

Quoteworthy

"There are special programs to help family members when tragedy strikes. However, in the military's eyes, we are not a family, so support is not available to me. ... To the military, I am just the floozy that their soldier is shacking up with. It makes me sad that when I need to turn to my fiance for support, he is not there for me. But he is supporting the military. Can I then turn to the military for support? No. I have no one to turn to." - Hannah Peterson, whose unmarried partner was deployed in the military, from WBUR's Radio Diaries, October 5, 2001