• Books
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Books

AtMP has partnered with Powell's Books.  If you click a book title on this page and purchase the book from Powell's, a portion of your purchase will support AtMP!  In fact, any Powell's purchase by searching or linking from this page will support our work! 

There are lots of great books on this subject -- here are some titles to get you started!

Barren in the Promised Land: Childless Americans and the Pursuit of Happiness, by Elaine Tyler May (1997)

Beyond Motherhood: Choosing a Life Without Children, by Jeanne Safer (1996)

The Chosen Lives of Childfree Men, by Patricia W. Lunneborg (1999)

Families of Two: Interviews with Happily Married Couples Without Children by Choice, by Laura Carroll (2000)

Paradise, Piece by Piece, by Molly Peacock (1999)

Pride and Joy: The Lives and Passions of Women Without Children, by Terri Casey (2007)

Reconceiving Women: Separating Motherhood from Female Identity, by Mardy S. Ireland (1993)

Two Is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless By Choice, by Laura S. Scott (2009)

Unwomanly Conduct: The Challenges of Intentional Childlessness, by Carolyn M. Morell (1994)

Why Don't You Have Kids?: Living a Full Life Without Parenthood, by Leslie Lafayette (1995)

Will You Be Mother?: Women Who Choose to Say No, by Jane Bartlett (1995)

Without Child: Challenging the Stigma of Childlessness, by Laurie Lisle (1999)

Links

Kidfree & Lovin' It! A website with a noble mission in mind, to represent and support individuals who choose not to have children. The website provides a list of articles, books, and other helpful resources. An added bonus; the creator of the site is working on a book about being childfree. Be sure to keep an eye out for it!

The Childfree-by-Choice Pages  Links, articles, and books about childfree life, and information about how to join the childfree email discussion list.

The Childless By Choice Project

No Kidding
A social club for childfree folks with regional chapters around the world.

alt.support.childfree
Newsgroup for the childfree community.

Books

Unmarried Parents' Rights (And Responsibilities), by Jacqueline Stanley, attorney at law (2005).  This legal guide is about the rights of unmarried parents who are no longer in a relationship. It includes samples of forms and summaries of the laws in all 50 states.

Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple, by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller (2002).  Includes a chapter on unmarried parenting, including the legal issues to consider, how children feel about having parents who aren't married, parental and societal approval and disapproval, what the research says about how children do in cohabiting families, adoption by unmarried couples, and special issues for unmarried stepfamilies. You can support AtMP by buying this book from us online.

Links

A Canadian family laywer's project to help create parenting plans for separated parents and their children. 

Parenting Issues for Unmarried Couples
Answers to the most common legal questions about unmarried parenting.

Unmarried Couples' Rights
A brief description of custody and visitation issues for unmarried couples and stepfamilies who break up.

LGBT parenting information is located in the LGBT Books & Links section. 

AtMP has partnered with Powell's Books.  If you click a book title on this page and purchase the book from Powell's, a portion of your purchase will support AtMP!  In fact, any Powell's purchase by searching or linking from this page will support our work! 

• What are the legal implications of having children as an unmarried couple?
• What do children think about having parents who aren't married? Do they get teased?
• How do children of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender parents do? Don't kids need a mother and a father?
• Is marriage good for children? Do children with married parents fare better than children with unmarried parents?

Answers

What are the legal implications of having children as an unmarried couple?

Parents and children have the same legal rights and responsibilities regardless of whether or not the parents are married (the category of "legitimacy" has essentially no legal meaning), so legally a couple's marital status makes little difference when they have children.

Lawyers recommend that unmarried couples sign an "acknowledgment of parenthood" or a paternity statement for additional legal protection in the case of one parent's death or breakup. Most of the fears about the legal status of "out-of-wedlock" children are groundless.

One of the biggest concerns that marriage advocates often express is that unmarried couples are at higher risk of breaking up, which can be traumatic to children. Statistically, this higher breakup risk is accurate, and we share the belief that children deserve stable, nurturing parents (regardless of the number, marital status, or sexes of those parents). We know that marriage is no guarantee of stability, and that unmarried families can be every bit as committed and stable as married ones. These issues are of equal importance to anyone considering children.

For more information, see the Parenting section of our Resources page, and the "Parenting Without a Marriage License" chapter of Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Partner. For information on Adoption click here . 

Note: We are not attorneys! The information above represents our best understanding, but we encourage you to seek the advice of a lawyer on important matters.

What do children think about having parents who aren't married? Do they get teased?

Our interviews with the adult children of unmarried parents, and with dozens of unmarried couples with children, suggest that fears about the children being teased or being upset about their parents' marital status are mostly groundless.

Children of unmarried parents told us that at their schools, families come in such diverse forms (single parents, gay/lesbian parents, stepfamilies) that having a mom and dad who live together without being married isn't much of a big deal. Of course, this varies somewhat by geographical region and urban versus rural areas. Most children said their friends generally didn't know or care that their parents weren't married. Children generally don't check for wedding rings, and these days, lots of parents have different last names.

Some kids told us that they urged their parents to have a wedding -- not, they said, because they cared about marriage, but because they wanted to get dressed up and be a flower girl or ring bearer. Since children love ritual and rites of passage, some unmarried families and stepfamilies find they are strengthened by having a commitment ceremony of some kind, where parents and children formally pledge to love and care for one another. This kind of ceremony can be a public event like a wedding, or a private family ritual.

How do children of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender parents do? Don't kids need a mother and a father?

There's no question there are some differences to growing up with two moms and two dads, and within the GLBT community. But all the research that has been done comparing the children of GLBT families with those of married couples find they do just as well (and in some cases, better). There's enough evidence that the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatrists, and the American Association of Family Physicians, American Psychiatric Association, and the North American Council on Adoptable Children have all issued formal statements in support of GLBT parenting.

Perhaps the best sources of information about what it's like to have GLBT parents are the kids themselves. COLAGE and Families Like Mine are great resources for both children and parents, as is the Family Pride Coalition.

Is marriage good for children? Do children with married parents fare better than children with unmarried parents?

The marriage-only movement states that marriage is good for children, implying that unmarried parenting must be bad. Solid social science research undermines this statement; it is simply is too broad to be true. Typically, researchers find that poverty, illness, parents' fighting and other stresses are the real reasons that some children fare better than others.

For example, the Center for Research on Child Wellbeing at Princeton University surveyed 1,370 parents who were either married or cohabiting when their child was born and were still married or cohabiting when the child was three years old. They found very similar levels of behavior problems among three-year-olds whose parents - whether married or unmarried - had comparable levels of income, health, education and other background characteristics. They write: "Moreover, the children of cohabiting parents who marry after birth are no better off than the children of cohabiting parents who remain unmarried." You can read a 4-page summary of this study here: http://www.fragilefamilies.princeton.edu/briefs/ResearchBrief33.pdf.

Go directly to these practical resources, or read the section overview below.

Overview:

When you're thinking about unmarriage and children, it's handy to remember the number 40.  That's roughly the percentage of all babies who are born to unmarried mothers, of unmarried moms who live with their partners, of unmarried partner households that include children, and of all children who can expect to live with cohabiting partners at some time. (For the precise numbers, see our briefing kit.) 

Thirty-three percent of lesbian couples live with children, as do 22% of gay male couples.  The majority of unmarried families with children are actually unmarried stepfamilies, where the children live with one biological or adoptive parent, and that parent's partner.

A large body of research shows that the vast majority of children with unmarried parents turn out fine on every measure of well-being. Children need stability and parents who are actively involved in their lives, and most unmarried parents provide the same kind of love and care that married parents do. And many unmarried couples tell us that once they had children, most people who met them assumed they were married! Given the sheer number of children who live with unmarried parents, we believe it's essential to help unmarried families be healthy and strong -- whether they ultimately marry or not.

Most of the issues facing unmarried parents are the same as those that affect married parents.  We should worry about any parents who aren't prepared for the long-term commitment parenting entails, and help all parents succeed.

The words "illegitimate" and "bastard" no longer have legal meaning and are fading fast from modern vocabularies, and biological parents have the same legal rights and responsibilities whether they're married or not.

Here's an alphabetical peek at some of the resources you'll find in this section: 

Adoption

Our action page on state adoption policy.

Childfree

Information for childfree people who choose not to have children (sorry to stick you here among the squalling babies, guys -- we realize it's not exactly where you want to be). 

Experts Speak on Families with Children

Frequently Asked Questions
Q & A about parenting without a wedding ring.

Legitimizing Unmarried Parents
Our op-ed, published in The Washington Times, about why it's time to throw out the offensive word "illegitimate."

Rights & Responsibilities
We'll point you toward the best sources for information and parenting or childfree community.

Statistics
A few facts and figures on the subject.