Denise and PJ

We are involved in quite a bit of peer counseling that involves alternatives to marriage or relationship issues. The biggest concerns people have are: how does society view them and how does God view them? The God view issue is something we had to learn about ourselves. After much talk and support with our pastor, we realized that we were ok to have an alternative lifestyle and that there are many out there that need to hear and understand that for their own fulfillment and happiness.

We believe that there is room for an alternative lifestyle in God and God in alternative lifestyle. And lately there seems to be a bigger need for it as more and more people are seeking answers. The biggest questions heard in forums across North America is why do they have to 'do' the traditional church wedding and what are the alternatives? There are hurting and nervous people out there that need to know that alternative is ok. So this is what we tell our peers:

You should know that my partner and I had a very traditional, conservative church environment that we lived in for years. The ideal was to date without sex, get married, have kids, grow old. Yet we felt unfulfilled as we saw marriage after marriage around us flounder, and sometimes, end.

We too went through some tough times. We are celebrating 25 years of our relationship this year and we have reaffirmed our commitment to each other in our own special way.

We were together for about a year before we got married in a big formal traditional church wedding. Nothing wrong there! We started having kids (three plus she already had a toddler from another relationship when we first met), working for a respectable company and trying to do the best for our family.

Somewhere along the way, we got lost. There were financial pressures, parental pressures, children's needs, church activities, extended family responsibilities, etc. It got overwhelming very fast. Year three of our marriage (year four of our relationship) was the start of the decline. And it went downhill fast!

Finally, in a very brief moment of clarity, we asked each other why are we doing this and where do we want our relationship to end up? After all, we did fall in love and we had been best friends - what changed?

We realized that the change could be pinpointed almost to the month we got married (legally). The pressures of church, having and raising four kids and the regime of the "expected" married life as dictated by the church and family were weighing heavily on our relationship.

We wanted a relationship where we could be best friends in love, partners, soulmates, working and playing together as equals each with our own responsibilities in addition to our joint responsibilities. We wanted a mutual respect between us - one that recognized that we were both human, adults, of sound mind, full of passion and desire.

That is when we realized that the traditional aspect - the legal "act" or "contract" of the "institution" of marriage - was not working for our best interest. The "ties that bind" were chafing on the wrists of our relationship and cutting off the life blood of our romance. Our love and belief in God and each other was paramount - everything else was immaterial!

In short - we discovered we had a need to show a commitment to ourselves, each other and the world at large that we are together because we want to be - not because we have to be according to a piece of paper. The old adage of "if you love something set it free; if it comes back to you it is yours and if it doesn't, it never was" came into focus here. Our relationship is not defined by the church or government, it is defined by our hearts and attitudes.

We had made a promise to each other shortly after we first met. We re-affirmed it publicly in the form of a wedding. And now 25 years into this relationship we have re-affirmed it again in a 'meaningful to us' way.

So, as a show of our commitment - we got divorced. Married in the sight of God and man - but divorced in the eyes of the government.

That got rid of the legal side of the marriage - we were in love when we got married, more in love when we divorced and we have always slept in the same bed together for the past 25 years (with the exception of business travel).

The mental weight and psychological release was immense. She had an identity. I had an identity. We had a life! And we could live it together - because we want to!!

Today, those that know us (or of us) will tell you that we are stronger than we ever were and we are having fun with our relationship! It may not be understood by all - it may not work for all - but it has worked awesome for us!

The Paulsons live in British Columbia, Canada and work in the high-tech field.