As we at Unmarried Equality advocate for the rights of people who are not married, we have an advantage that is not widely recognized: adults in the U.S. – and teens, too – do not see marriage as all that important to a fulfilling adult life.
Pew Research Center researchers Kim Parker and Kiley Hurst uncovered those attitudes toward marriage in their study of how the experiences of teen boys and girls differ. Their survey of U.S. teens between the ages of 13 and 17 revealed a number of ways that the boys and girls differed. For example, girls said they feel more pressure to look good and fit in socially, whereas boys feel more pressure to be physically strong and good at sports. With regard to one of the most fundamental questions, though, the teen boys and girls agreed.
What Teens Want Out of Adult Life
Asked what was important to them as they looked ahead to when they would be adults, neither marriage nor children were rated as particularly important. Instead, what teens wanted most in their adult lives was having a job or career they enjoy; 86% said that was either very important or extremely important.
% of teens who found each of the following to be very important or extremely important:
86 Having a job or career they enjoy
69 Having close friends
58 Having a lot of money
36 Getting married
30 Having children
6 Becoming famous
The only hint of a difference between the girls and the boys was that girls were more likely than boys to say that having close friends was important, 74% to 65%. But that was still the second priority, after enjoyable work, for both.
What Adults See as Important to a Fulfilling Life
Perhaps you are thinking – well, they’re kids. Their priorities will change. However, the Pew Research Center asked adults a similar set of questions in 2023 (excluding the one about becoming famous) and found very similar results. Asked to indicate the importance of five factors in order to have a fulfilling life, having an enjoyable job or career and having close friends topped the list once again. Being married came in last.
% of adults who found each of the following important to living a fulfilling life:
71 Having a job or career they enjoy
61 Having close friends
26 Having children
24 Having a lot of money
23 Being married
What This Says about Declining Rates of Marriage
For the last half-century in the U.S., the number and percentage of adults who are married has consistently declined. Living single is on the rise.
Speculations about the causes of these trends (also evident in many other countries around the world) often point to barriers to heterosexual marriage, such as a mismatch between what women and men are looking for in a spouse and what they are finding. Those kinds of explanations assume that people want to marry and if they are not married, it is because they could not find a suitable partner.
The findings about adults’ and teenagers’ beliefs about the good life suggest something different. Maybe marriage just isn’t that important. And maybe single life is more fulfilling than our conventional wisdom has long suggested. In another Pew survey, single adults who had said they were not interested in a romantic relationship were asked why not. The answer endorsed by the greatest number, 72%, was that they just liked being single. In my own research, I found that the single at heart are powerfully drawn to single life. This is more than just liking being single. They are happy and flourishing because they are single, not in spite of it. The risk to them is not what they would lose if they did not organize their lives around a romantic partner, but what they would lose if they did.
Notes: (1) The opinions expressed here do not represent the official positions of Unmarried Equality. (2) I’ll post all these blog posts at the UE Facebook page; please join our discussions there. (3) Disclosure: Links to books may include affiliate links. (4) Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash (5) For links to previous columns, click here.
About Bella DePaulo
